


Divinity That Shapes Our Ends

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Actual Choking, Alcohol, Dissociation, Force Choking, Gore, Implied Sexual Content, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Panic Attacks, Smoking, its star wars what do you expect man, vague sexual content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 13:52:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6959293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Somewhere in Hux, there was a part of him screaming to run away, to never look at Ren again, but a bigger part was holding him close, whispering don't you ever let me go and thanking whatever god that there may be that he didn’t hate him for being his own special kind of terrible, his own special kind of fucked up that only someone who murdered billions is."</p><p>The First Order is falling, and no one says it. After the return of Ren from Snoke's training, Hux tries to find solace in the things he never thought he'd love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 0.1

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhhhHhhhhHhh its finally done! after many many months of writing, nights spent writing away, it's finally done! being apart of this bigbang has been wonderful, and i'm so glad i've had a chance to be apart of this. with that being said, here is my fic for the 2016 kylux big bang!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art credits go to the wonderful sadaf-wadj on tumblr~  
> go check out their other art, its absolutely amazing!!!!!!

_“You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will more willingly part withal: except my life, except my life, except my life.” ― William Shakespeare, Hamlet_

~

Hux found himself shivering as he stalked the corridors of the _Finalizer_. Space is cold. The endless black spreading out before him, entire worlds that seem as small as a speck, filled with billions of lifeforms, some that will never experience the pleasure of seeing the vastness of _everything_ laid out before them, with nebulas and solar systems swirling in the distance. Beautiful, lovely, deadly.

Of course, Hux had learnt to stamp out that romanticized view of the galaxy at a young age. After all, annihilating an entire planet was a lot harder when you thought of the people who would suffer, the people who’s futures would be crushed in an instant. Hux adopted the only sensible mindset: They could’ve lived if they had chosen the right side.

Space is cold, but Hux is colder.

~

_The snow was falling in large heavy flakes, obscuring his view. Hux found himself wide eyed and panicked, anxiety coursing through his veins as he yelled Ren’s name. His tracker was furiously beeping, signalling the knight was close. He broke into a run, whipping around a tree and screaming._

_“Ren!” He shrieked, “Kylo Ren, you bastard, where are you?”_

_The bitter cold bit into Hux’s skin and chilled his lungs with each inhale as he followed a trail of crimson blood to a black bundle of clothes, dark against the glistening snow. Hux sprinted towards him, knowing instantly who the black clothes belonged to. He looked down to see Ren, with a gash across his face, and blood pooling from his side, staining the snow red._

_Kylo let out a choked sob, his eyes screwed shut. Hux managed to wrap his arms around the boy’s body and lift him up, carrying him in his arms. Hux’s arm brushed against one of his wounds, causing a scream of anguish to pierce through the bitter air._

_Hux jogged as fast as he could, careful not to trip over rocks and cracks in the ground as the planet collapsed. He spotted the ship, crew members beaconing him on board as he ran towards the open hanger. He was barely two steps on before it began to close._

_The med droids took Ren from his arms, leaving Hux with bloodstains on his hands and a deep chill in his body, not just from the snow._

_~_

“General Hux, Sir, the invasion on Algonae was successful. Negotiations with the capital are underway, and by force or will, the planet will be under First Order rule by midnight.”

Hux didn’t bother turning to respond to the lieutenant. “And what of the Resistance soldiers finding shelter in the outskirts? Have they been captured?”

“Two of them remain in our custody, they’ve been taken in for questioning-”

“And the third?” Hux questioned.

“He managed to escape into hyperspace before we could get to him.” Said the lieutenant in a somewhat shaky voice.

Silence fell across the bridge. The sounds of keyboards clicking seemed to vanish as Hux swore under his breath.

“Track his ship when it gets out of hyperspace. If he heads for D’Qar let him go, we don’t have themeans to pursue in enemy territory. For now we focus on finding out the location of their next main base and attacking at smaller outposts once our armies have been salvaged,” Hux said, and he turned to face the lieutenant, “I am not one for threats, Lieutenant James, but mark my words, if the secure capture of Algonae does not go as planned, all blame will fall on you. Dismissed.”

Hux turned as he left, letting out a sigh as he rolled his shoulders. There was very little he could do now, and interrogation was solely in Ren’s hands. Hux rubbed his eyes, and headed towards the interrogation room, where no doubt Ren would be finished with the prisoners already. As expected, he was greeted by the cloaked and hooded figure of Kylo Ren as he exited the room. 

“Lord Ren.” Hux said, not bothering to try and meet his gaze.

“General.” He replied back, in a quiet tone (or so it seemed, his mask was never recovered and Ren never did like people seeing his face).

“Did we get the information we desired?”

“We are lucky, they weren’t on Algonae for official business. Rather, a vacation of sorts. The Resistance leader is smart, she refrained from letting anyone know the planet they will place main base at. They know of all of the current outposts, rather not which will be the new one. They’ll leave in stages, every other day, with the pilots leaving first to defend the base they’ll be settling at, with higher ranking officials. All data for mainframes will be transferred to hard drives, as they’ll wipe the computers before leaving. Both soldiers have been stationed at other outposts before and have suspicions as to which outposts could become the new main base, but it is nothing but speculation.” Ren told him.

“I assume you dealt with the prisoners?” Hux inquired.

“Both were dead after the necessary information was retrieved.”

Hux let out a sigh, letting tension escape his neck. “Stop by my quarters in an hour, and bring a bottle of brandy too. I haven’t gotten drunk since-” Hux stopped mid sentence, his breath hitched as he remembered the crumbling planet beneath his feet.

Kylo seemed to have understood, as he nodded and walked past Hux, letting his fingers brush against Hux’s arm before he left. 

~

Hux sat back into his chair as he turned off his datapad after scheduling a strategy meeting. He spun around, shaking off his coat and taking off his uniform belt (if it could be called that, the thing constricted his waister like a trainer). He unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt as he opened his drawers, fishing around for a cigarette. 

“Fan, one hundred percent.” He said, hearing the hum of the fan starting as he lit the end of his cigarette. Taking a long drag, Hux checked the clock. It was unlike Kylo to be punctual, and Hux figured the bastard would be fashionably late. 

Hux leaned back, blowing smoke into the air. Before, he would sneer at the thought of smoking in his quarters, but now he couldn’t care less. He kicked off his boots, and made sure to line them up neatly with his desk. Hux rolled his eyes as he took another drag, waiting for Ren to show up so he could turn off the fan and not have to worry about the smoke escaping into the corridors. 

The annoying buzz of the fan was interrupted by the sound of his door opening. Ren was never one for knocking.

“Fucking finally,” Hux sighed, “Fan, five percent.”

“Make it ten, I happen to like being able to breathe.” Kylo said as he dropped his hood and set a bottle of brandy and two glasses onto the desk. Hux scowled, but obeyed.

Taking another drag, Hux poured himself and Ren each a glass. 

“It seems you’ve picked up another habit in my absence.” Ren said, taking a sip from his glass.

“Had to, with you gone. Barely got to kiss you before Snoke took you away, let alone fuck. On top of that, your first day back we’re invading a planet.” Hux told him, drinking far more of his drink than his counterpart had. He jumped to sit on his desk rather than the chair, giving him the heigh advantage he childishly wished he had.

The air was already beginning to thicken, if not from Hux’s smoke, then from the fear neither men were willing to admit they had held in their hearts during separation. Unspoken _I missed yous_ only heard in an afterthought, an inference made by body language and the tone of which they spoke.

“How’re your injuries? Your side wasn’t healed when you left, the only thing the medics really got to tend to in detail was your eye.” Hux asked, as he poured himself another glass.

“Its fine. My sight could be better, but I’m lucky I didn’t go blind in this eye.” Kylo said running a hand through his hair as he swirled his drink. He wasn’t even halfway though his first and Hux had almost finished his second. “Slow down before you end up killing yourself.” Kylo advised.

Hux let out an exasperated sigh, “Isn’t that the goal?” He said, but put down his glass nonetheless. “I haven't seen you outside of work for ages and the first thing I do is get you drunk.” He said, hiccuping and he attempted to hop off his perch on the desk. The brandy had kicked in, Hux realized, as he staggered off the desk.

“This is unbecoming of you. Doesn’t this mess threaten your cool composure?” Ren asked, his mouth quirked as he put down his glasses and stood from his chair.

Hux waved him off, sitting on the bed. “As long as I’m not screaming and breaking equipment then consider-” Hux was interrupted by a hit of hiccups, “-consider me composed.” He finished. 

Hux took a final drag of his cigarette, placing the butt in his ash tray and blowing the smoke in Ren’s face, for the sole purpose to annoy him. He had missed this, petty actions made out of spite, that somehow made him hate Ren less and want him more.

He knew Kylo could sense the feeling he was radiating off of him. Alcohol doesn't help prevent intrusions of the mind, and even without the force, Hux was sure Ren would know how badly he wanted him. Maybe Kylo had searched his thoughts, or maybe he had some of his own. Either way, Hux found himself pinned against his bed, Kylo’s strong forearms cradling his head, his rough hands pulling through his hair.

Hux bit Ren’s lip, drawing out the action slowly, like pouring honey. Every fibre in his body was sighing, tension dissolving through his pores as Ren kissed him, slow and passionate, so unlike every encounter before. 

_I miss you_ turned into _I want you_ before the men could even realize that the desire that had been brewing is something more than the want to feel the feeling of skin on skin, or tasting a ginger’s smokey lips on your tongue. It meant more than tugging on black locks of hair, hands tracing over pale skin and hip bone valleys.

The room smelt of smoke and brandy, and the cologne of Kylo that he seems to carry wherever he goes, tainting every bed sheet and blanket he touches. Hux inhales deeply, and only worries slightly about what Ren thinks; he’s seen him come undone too many times before to become bothered by small actions and movements.

Kylo’s anxious fingers rush over the buttons of Hux’s shirt, prying them open to reveal freckled collar bones and a thin frame. Ren does not see with his eyes in this moment; in this moment he sees with his hands and his mouth, running over Hux’s neck.Something about the smell of smoke in the air and the taste of brandy filling each other’s mouths, made the way every touch Hux made felt like he was underwater. 

_This is good,_ He thinks. _This is us, this is all we’ve been before._

Hux is on his back now, and he feels a pair of lips on his neck and for some reason he finds his toes curling at the contact; it isn’t new but Hux finds his body screaming out to Ren in more ways than one. In the morning he’ll blame it on the brandy if he can remember it, now he whispers _fuck me_ in a whine that doesn't go unnoticed, and Hux notices Kylo is less pale than he was before he had left and Hux feels like the snow on Starkiller base against Ren because everything about him seems so solemn and dark.

Everything is done in haste, Hux finds himself wrapping his legs around Ren’s hips and his hands tangled in Ren’s hair. Everything is harsh when Hux lets himself release control, and there is blood running down his chin from biting his lip and he somehow finds himself screaming until his voice is hoarse.

And Hux does not like to give up control almost as much as he does not like to lose it, but when he’s drunk on Cordellian brandy and Kylo Ren is pressing kisses over his jaw, he find himself throwing it out of the window. There will be purple bruising on his hips come morning and scratches down Ren’s back, and Hux is biting into Kylo’s shoulder to stop himself from screaming. When it ends, Hux presses his heels into Ren’s back, arching his and turning his head to the side, not bothering to ever try and open his eyes.

And the storm is over, and Hux is sleeping before he even cleans himself up.

~

Hux is lucky to have an alarm, because alcohol messes up his body clock. He had awoken to a splitting headache, and groaned when he stood to stand. He looked over his shoulder at the sleeping figure of Kylo Ren, raven hair spread out on the pillow, contrasting the white sheets. Ren always stayed the night, and Hux always woke to an arm cradling him and warm breath on his neck.

Hux took two painkillers and turned on the shower as hot as it could go. Standing in the scorching water, he began to massage his head with shampoo (mint, _not_ standard regulation) as he ran through his tasks for the day.

_File last nights reports, oversee the bridge, plan recon missions to possible resistance bases, strategy meeting._

Hux rinsed off his hair and began to lather his body. It was unnerving, in some weird warm way, for him to think that Kylo Ren was sleeping on the other side of his shower wall. Shaking his head, Hux washed off and stepped out of the shower to towel off his face. He stared down his face in the mirror; his eyes sported lilac crescents underneath, and his hair needed to be cut. 

Hux grabbed a porcelain concealer and dabbed his under eyes, masking the purple tones that were flourishing in his hungover state. Once he was satisfied, he took out his comb and hair scissors, an electric razor and a clip, and prepared to cut his hair.

Only as he raised the razor to his head, did Ren saunter through the bathroom door, with a sheet draped around his shoulders as if it were a cape, and his hair wildly curled. 

Hux sighed, looking over his shoulder to see Ren dropping the grey sheet and climbing into the shower. “Oh yes, you’re welcome to my bathroom,” He said sarcastically. “Could you have not just used yours?”

Kylo simply shrugged, then closed the glass door and turned on the water. Hux found himself rolling his eyes as he returned to the task at hand. He grabbed the middle long portion of his hair and twister it into a clip, and brought the razor to his left side and began to shave off the hair. He moved towards the other side of his head, and began to match it to the side he had just finished. 

Done with the sides, Hux opened a draw in search for another mirror. He frowned slightly, not seeing it where it usually was. Opening another draw, he looked for a mirror with no avail.

“You cut your own hair?” A voice said, low and quiet if not to scare a mouse. Hux turned, and Kylo was shaking out his hair and tying a towel around his waist. “I can get the back for you if you want.”

“I don’t know if I trust you with it.” Hux said hesitantly, but somehow found himself unconsciously handing Ren the razor. 

He sighed as he stood still, hearing the buzz of the razor as Ren brought it to the back of his head. He felt it pass over his scalp, in slow careful motions, so unlike the knight that Hux found himself wondering if this was really happening.

The razor was clicked off, and before Hux could than him, Ren had grabbed his scissors and began to cut his top section, snipping at it and making sure to have it blend in. He heard the quiet _snip_ of the shears by his ear, blending out his and Ren’s handy work. 

Hux looked in the mirror, running his hands through his hair. The sides were a bit shorter than he intended, but the top was almost the same length as he begun with, it had just been blended into the shorter sides. He scowled as he dusted off his shoulders. He swore under his breath, he had to admit that it was _actually good._

“Thank me later.” Said Kylo Ren, as he closed the bathroom door as he left.

~

_“I am through with your insolent bullshit,_ Lord _Ren,” Hux spat as he walked to catch up to Kylo Ren’s tall figure. “As much as you hate to admit it, we are equals and I should be treated as such!”_

_Ren had just succeed in, again, throwing away the main cause of the mission for his personal benefits. The mission was simple, seize control of the planet’s major cities, get important information from officials on the whereabouts of the resistance, and impose the rule of the First Order._

_However, with Kylo Ren on your side, victory isn’t always that simple._

_“Instead of actually following the plan, you go disappear while trying to interrogate a suspect, who knew nothing_ _of the resistance. This foolish_ _act cost us many men, and had the potential to cost us a goddamn battle. You’re intolerant, Ren.” Hux shouted, as he walked away from Ren, lightsaber still activated and burning bright red._

_“And yet you won, General. Why do you find this a loss? Besides, the information I have gathered will prove far more useful than the men lost in this battle.” Kylo said, his voice metallic and cold through the mask._

_Hux huffed as he spun to face the knight. “Care to enlighten me with the contents of this information that will prove useful to the First Order?” Hux said with gritted teeth. "And for the love of all things holy, take off the goddamn mask, Ren, I can’t understand a thing you’re saying.”_

_Ren paused, staring (or at least, Hux thought he was staring) at him. He then reached behind his head and managed to release the helmet and take it off, dropping it on a nearby console. “Better?” He said, his voice soft and low and no longer artificial._

_“Yes, now I can pretend I am talking to a sane human being.” Hux said with a scoff._

_Kylo Ren seemed unfazed by Hux’s comment. “To answer your earlier question, I cannot tell you the information I have found until I inform Supreme Leader Snoke of it.”_

_Hux sighed. “Very well, that makes sense. Now if you excuse me, I am going to make my way to the ship’s lounge to get a drink.”_

_Ren let out a small laugh. “You drink in the company of you subordinates?”_

_“Not usually, but it’s necessary to relieve the tension your actions seem to always cause.”_

_“You know,” Ren said, walking towards the general. “I happen to have a bottle of Cordellian brandy and rather comfortable sofa in my quarters, perhaps you’d like to join me?”_

_Hux froze momentarily before regaining his composure. “And why do you think I’d like to spend my free time in the company of you?”_

_Ren shrugged smugly. “I don’t.” He said, and began to walk away. “The offer is still on, you know where I’ll be, Hux.”_

_Hux hesitated before following._ Fuck it, _He thought, as he went after the night, who was, no doubt, smirking at his willingness._

_The moment they got into Ren’s room, Hux turned to the knight. “Get me a glass of this brandy before I regret coming here in the first place.”_

_Ren smirked that god-awful smirk that Hux was beginning to loathe as he poured them each a glass._

_“To another battle won.” He said, in mock toast._

_“Fuck you.” Hux said, as he took a rather large sip._

_Barely seconds after he spoke Hux had Ren pinned against the wall, the younger’s arms pinned above his head. Hux heard the glass crash on the ground, aware of the mess it caused but not caring in the moment._

_“I thought you came here for decent conversation and a drink to help you unwind?” Ren said smugly._

_“Well, this serves the same purpose and saves me a headache tomorrow.” And with that, Hux pressed his lips against Ren’s with more passion than care, biting on his lip and dragging it outwards. The kiss was full of teeth and tongue, as Kylo pushed Hux away and grabbed his hips, guiding him backwards to his bed._

_Afterwords, Hux left. He was never one to stay._

_~_

Hux didn’t usually wish he was force sensitive, and didn’t quite care for the means that Kylo used to kill, but in this moment he desperately wished he could force-choke Lieutenant James until he turned blue.

“What do you mean, heavy losses?” Hux snapped, his hangover not a hundred percent cured.

Lieutenant James gulped and took a deep breath before continuing. “Algonae has a military force which wedid not expect. It was supposed to be a peaceful planet, but that was apparently a facade. However, the planet is under the rule of the First Order.”

Hux controlled the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Did any escape?”

The lieutenant relaxed somewhat before continuing, with a sense of pride in his voice. “No, all of them were killed, eventually.”

Hux dismissed him as he sighed heavily, walking towards a conference room for a rather important strategy meeting, as he walked away from the bridge. The twitch inside of his core begging for a cigarette or possibly a very long nap tugged on Hux’s consciousness, desperately trying to trick him into sleep. He resisted rubbing his eyes as he was cut off by a familiar figure in all black robe.

“Lord Ren, I did not think you were attending this meeting.” Hux said. The knight turned to face him, new shiny helmet and all. If Hux could see his expression, he bet Kylo would have a smug smirk and a raised eyebrow on his face as he spoke, cool and monotone through the voice filter.

“Maybe if you checked your attendance you’d see I requested to be apart of this meeting after interrogating the prisoners.” He said.

They walked through the doors and approached the long table, as the parted to sit at separate ends. Battle strategy was Hux’s forte, and he fell effortlessly into the creation of the plans for attacking the resistance base. The biggest issue was the fact that they had no clear idea of which would be the new one.

“We know they begin deploying their fleet and moving pilots and ships in five days, but we just don't know where. This is verging too much on guessing and intuition for me to be comfortable putting all our assets into a single system.” Hux said.

“General, Sir, could we not place troops in all areas of suspicion?” A man to his left said.

“No, we will not have won’t be enough backup.” Another said.

Hux bit his lip, contemplating as people argued over the specifics and why it would defiantly not be as easy as building another starkiller.

“We know the location of each outpost, in total, four. We have three other ships in our fleet with the power to jam a specific locations transmissions, and we are all relatively close to the systems of these outposts. In order for this plan to work, immediate action must take place.” Hux said, cutting off all of the noise. 

“As soon as this meeting ends, undercover teams will be sent and debriefed to head to each of these outposts and infiltrate them. Backup will be sent along with them, but will not infiltrate the outpost in first wave. Our fleet will block transmissions for as long as possible as this team infiltrates and takes possession of these outposts. As soon as transmissions are blocked, the backup stormtroopers will help. If possible, we will try to gain knowledge if that outpost is going to be the new base.”

“And if not?” A woman said to his left.

“Then we fake communications, say that there was a malfunction. The same goes if it is the new base.” Hux continued. “That way no suspicion is aroused. Once three outposts are ruled out, we will deploy forces and have them waiting at the new base when the pilot and the resistance general arrives. Once they are dealt with, we’ll send the remaining troops to D’qar where the rest of the resistance will be crushed.”

Silence fell across the board room. People sat wide eyes, calculating numbers and logistics in their heads. One by one, they turned to stare wide eyed at HUx, who did not change his composure. The sickening silence was only broken by the mechanical filtered chuckle that came from Ren’s mask as he stood. 

“You’ve already discussed this with Supreme Leader Snoke?” He asked. 

Hux nodded. “Schedule a meeting with him to notify him we are going through with the plan. We will discuss your involvement then.” He told the Knight. “As for the rest of you, deploy the undercover teams. Dismissed.”

Hux’s migraine was beginning to bare its ugly head again, and he desperately needed a cigarette. He briskly turned to walk out of the conference room, to only again be cut off by Kylo Ren. Hux followed the knight as he led him around a corner into an empty conference room, closing the door and removing his mask.

Before Hux could even ask why they were here, he was pressed against a wall, invisible hands closing around his throat as he was lifted high into the air. 

Ren looked at Hux and smiled. “That was a risky move, General. If Skywalker and the scavenger are with them-”

“Well, you can hold them off, can’t you?” Hux rasped. He felt the force-hands loosen as air made its way into his lungs again. 

“You are leaving the Finalizer, among the other ships in the fleet, very undefended and vulnerable to attack from the inside. You must be careful that no one infiltrates our defences. One careless error and-”

“There will be no careless errors!” Hux choked out, the force-hands preventing him from shouting at Ren.

Hux was suddenly dropped from the air, as he landed on the floor in a tangle of limbs. He rushed to stand, but found himself pinned against the ground, Kylo Ren’s real hands pressing his arms down as he straddled Hux. Hux opened his green eyes, looking into Ren’s deep brown ones. Ren’s expression softened, and he removed his hold on Hux’s lean wrists to brush his hands through the ginger’s hair. Ren lowered his head, bringing his forehead to Hux’s. Hux looked at his lips, at how soft and pink they were, at how much he wanted to simply touch them.

“I don’t want you to get hurt.” Ren said softly, his eyes breaking away from Hux’s as he sat up. 

Hux’s eyes widened. “Since when do you care about my wellbeing?” He asked, picking his grey coat off the floor and draping it around his shoulders. 

The momentary peace was broken by a screech-like yell of anguish from Ren as he pinned Hux down again, the lights flickering and if Hux wasn’t imagining it, something shattering in the distance. Ren pressed his mouth against Hux’s, teeth crashing together as Hux desperately tried- and failed- to flip them over.

Ren attached his lips to Hux’s neck, sucking on an already tender bruise, making Hux release an involuntary whimper, along with a gasp. He couldn’t move, whether that was because Kylo had used the force or not, Hux couldn’t be sure. Hux felt Ren’s hands, shaky and hasty, sliding through his hair.

“I hate what you’re doing to me, and yet I never want you to stop.” He said shakily, running is hands down Hux’s sides. 

Somehow, the simple action felt more intimate than anything they had ever done together, all the nights spent pressed against each other’s sweaty body, this simple action, not even on bare skin, felt more naked than anything before. Hux let out a breath that shook with the heavy exhale, and he looked up at Ren.

“Well, of course. That happens when you’re in love.” Hux said, finally trusting his voice. It was clear, yet soft, so unlike his usual commanding tone. Whenever Ren heard it, he was always taken aback by how gentle the general could be.

Ren looked into Hux’s eyes. “Is that what this is?”

Hux leaned upwards, wrapping Kylo into an embrace. He ran a hand down his back, slipped the other through his thick hair.

“Yeah,” Hux whispered. “Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art credits go to the wonderful sadaf-wadj on tumblr~  
> go check out their other art, its absolutely amazing!!!!!!


	2. 0.2

_“You best not forget_

_this worthless pride_

_of mine”_

_~_

_“You know, you_ can _stay.” Kylo said, rolling over to see Hux already buttoning his shirt, pants already on._

_“And what, enjoy your calming presence? I have things to do, Ren, I’d rather not.”_

_Kylo watched Hux dress, watched him smooth his hair, throw his ridiculous coat over his shoulders. Hux never stayed. He never took the time after too even rest, the moment everything ended, he was up and leaving._

_And there was a part of Ren that hated to watch him go, hated seeing him so goddamn indifferent to everything, and somehow Ren found his self screaming into his pillow as Hux left him._

_~_

“Surprising, General, I never took you for a smoker.” Phasma said as she watched Hux punch at the beat up bag hanging from the training room celling. She was out of armour, wearing a white tank top and black leggings, as she circled Hux, watching his form like a hawk.

Despite never actually being on the front lines, Hux always did like to be prepared to fight in any situation. A ridiculously good shot, and a lean yet sturdy build, let Hux fly through his academy years with top grades in almost all areas of fighting.

However, his recent habit had begun to toll on his lungs, and thus on his stamina. 

“Watch you tone, Captain.” Hux said, panting heavily, yet not giving up, relentlessly hitting the bag.

Phasma ignored him, clicking her tongue. “Try the electronic ones, they don’t use tar, and train more regularly.” She said.

Under normal circumstances, Phasma would never address Hux, her superior, like that. But right now, Hux was training, and there were very few people who he’d let train him, or rather, see him in any state less than perfect.

Hux sighed, wiping his brow, stepping away from the punching bag. He unravelled the tape on his knuckles, and nodded to dismiss Phasma, who bowed and left to put her armour on again.

Hux grabbed his water bottle, and took a large gulp, letting the water dribble down his chin. The training room was empty, as it was rather late, and Hux had special clearance to book a room in advance. General’s perk.

He picked up his grey coat, not nothing to change fully into uniform as his quarters were not far, and draped it over his shoulders. He doubted many would notice, he was wear loose pants that tied at the ankle and a black top, which, unless you were spending a rather odd amount of time inspecting them, could pass for uniform.

Hux tied his boots and began to walk through the deserted corridor, passing the occasional stormtrooper on patrol. Not many were awake at this hour, and Hux felt a small shred of pity for the officers who had night duty. He turned the corner, nearing his room and he rubbed his tired eyes. Hux approached his door, scanning his finger and entering to see none other than Kylo fucking Ren, asleep in his bed.

Hux groaned, hanging up his coat and reaching for his bed clothes. He stripped of his sweaty training garnets, and put them down the laundry shoot. He yawned loudly, throwing on his sleep shirt and reaching into his desk for a cigarette, Phasma’s advice forgotten. He grabbed his lighter from the drawer and flicked it, lighting the end.

“Lights, fifteen percent.” He said in a sleepy haze as he lazily took a drag, feeling the relief of nicotine spreading through his veins. He looked at his small shelf, and grabbed a glass and a bottle of wine, pouring himself a glass.

Hux sat on his bed, pushing Ren to the side as he balanced his glass on Ren’s back. Hux grabbed his data pad, and took another drag, reading through reports while sipping wine. He took another sip of wine as he read about who was chosen to infiltrate the outposts. Rarely did they send stormtroopers out undercover, but it was sometimes necessary. 

The air was silent, except for the buzz of the fan. Hux took another drag of his cigarette, and muttered a command to turn it off. The black heap of clothes that was Kylo Ren stirred beside him. Hux flicked the ash from his cigarette away, stroking a hand through Ren’s hair.

He stood up, disposing off his cigarette butt and placing his empty wine glass on his desk, as he went into his bathroom to brush his teeth. Everything was still, the clock on the wall informed Hux that it was an ungodly time to still be up as he brushed away at his teeth.

When Hux walked back to his bed, he saw Kylo sitting up, tousling his raven hair.

“Not in the mood, Ren.” He said, moving to lie down in the bed. Ren swung his legs off the bed, and turned to leave.

“Wait!” Hux said. Ren turned around, seeming surprised. “Don’t go.”

The knight stood puzzled for a moment, as if waiting for Hux to laugh as if it were a joke, but he only saw the general’s tired face. Huh beckoned him forward, and Ren obliged, removing his cloak and laying down beside Hux, who turned to lay on Ren’s broad chest. The moment his eyes shut, Hux was asleep.

Ren smiled at Hux’s sleeping face, at the way it was so clam and unchanged, much unlike the scowl he wore in the day. Ren grabbed the covers and draped them over them, tangling their legs together. He closed his eyes, slipping into Hux’s mind. He wasn’t fully asleep, but he wasn’t thinking for once. Ren wrapped his arms around Hux, and closed his eyes to sleep.

~

 

_The air on the distant planet tasted distinctly of sulphur, even through the cloth across Kylo’s face.The yellow haze of a sky loomed over him as he went deeper into the jungle, his ears hyper sensitive to the noises around him._

_He became increasingly aware of the fact that he could run. He could leave Snoke, could run home to his mother and father, could become Ben Solo again._ No, you can’t, _he thought to himself,_ Not after what you’ve done.

_When he remembered it, it always came back in flashes. The heavy weight of the saber in his palm, the blue lightning, the scared eyes of children smaller than him. And the ones of his peers, looking at him in disbelief, screaming_ ** _how could you Ben?_** _and trying to put up a fight. Terrible last words, last moments. How long had passed since he slain children? Since he took their lives, used them to fuel the darkness in him?_

_It was only a month, yet it felt like lifetimes ago. Kylo’s fifteen year old hands trembled in fear and fury, the hate welling up inside him. He screamed, throwing his face to the yellow sky, seeing the two suns in the distance._ Focus! _A voice inside of him yelled._ You’re hear for the crystals, this is a simple task compared to-

_No. Kylo shut off his train of thought, forced into the back of his mind as he grabbed the first crystals he could find. They were cracked, but he didn’t care. The air was almost too thick to breathe and Kylo wanted to get back onto the ship before his Master punished him again._

_“Peace is a lie,” Kylo whispered, closing his eyes. “There is only passion.”_

_The air swirled around the boy with black robes, as he opened his eyes, rage swirling in his irises._

_“The Force shall set me free!” Ren yelled, as the jungle trees snapped behind him, wind picking up._

_Ben was gone, all that he had left behind was the bodies of dead younglings and a name that belonged to his father._

_~_

Ren was woken by a scream, and nails digging into his chest. He shot up, looking at the man clutching onto him. Kylo dipped into Hux’s mind. A blurry image, a father with a cane, that cane is red, that cane is hitting him, the image fades, there is a boy with dark hair, smacking his head against the bathroom stall, calling him a faggot, the scene changes, there is blood everywhere, a woman is dead, a small ginger boy is yelling _Mom_ -

“Get out of my goddamn head, Ren, it was just a nightmare!” Hux screeched, ripping the pillow from out beneath them and smacking him with it.

Ren was lost for words. He stared at Hux, with his red hair and puffy eyes, tears trickling down his cheeks. He wrapped his arms around Hux’s pale body, cradling his shaking form. Hux buried his head in the crook of Ren’s neck, inhaling the scent of his cologne, musky like worn leather and something warm.

Hux wasn’t crying, yet his chest still heaved, breaths rasping in and out of his lungs, his mind in hyper-drive, he just wanted to fall asleep again.

Eventually, Hux’s heart slowed, his breaths became steady. It wasn’t happening, he was on the _Finalizer_ , Ren was beside him, rubbing his back and singing a strange song under his breath. The notes seemed to blend together, sounding soft and warm despite being sung but a harsh voice. 

“What is that?” Hux asked quietly, pulling his head out of the crook of Kylo’s neck.

“What is what?” Ren replied.

“The song.”

“Oh,” Kylo said, slightly shocked. “Well, I suppose you’ve never heard of it. It’s- it’s from Alderaan, my mother would sing it to me as a child.” He said, turning away from Hux’s eyes, tracing a hand over his pale arm, admiring the faint freckles spotted along here and there, like careless spots of paint thrown at a canvas.

Everything about Hux burns, from his kiss to his touch, to his fiery tone and his bright hair. Everything was sharp, crackling, bright flames in his eyes, deadly enough to kill with a stare. Yet his forearms were scattered with freckles, with tiny stars and suns, small flames only warm enough to see if you were really trying to notice. The blood in his veins, the blue heart of the flames, a stark comparison to the rest of him. Hux was almost always red, the passion mixed with pain swirling in his bloodstream, but Ren knew better than to think that he was only fire. Hux was as blue as an ocean in the rainy season if he let you look at him for long enough.

The room was silent, enough for the sound of sheets rustling to be loud.

“What did you dream about?” Ren asked, lying face-to-face with Hux, his arm around his waist.

“You already know.” Hux said, too quiet to sound bitter.

“Yeah,” Ren admitted, “But I want you to tell me.”

Hux stayed silent a minute for answering. “The year my mom died, I started seeing boys at the academy. Not everyone was okay with it. One boy, Alexx, tried to beat me up. It reminded me of my father- He used to beat me when I was younger, before the academy. My mom was worse than my dad in every possible way, yet I loved her more than him. When she died, I realized I didn’t love her at all.” Hux said. “I was afraid of her.”

Ren stayed silent, rubbing Hux’s back. He wasn't crying, but his eyelids kept dipping down, heavy with sleep. Hux closed his eyes. 

“And yet,” Hux said, breaking the silence. “I still depended on her with every ounce of my being. I would be dead if it wasn’t for her.”

The silence returned, and Ren pondered what to ask next.

“What happened to the boy who beat you? Alexx?” Ren asked.

“I killed him, suffocated him with a towel in the bathroom. No one cared, it was self defence on my part.” Hux said. “My first kill.”

Ren pressed his forehead to Hux’s, kissing his nose. “Sleep.” He said.

And Hux did just that, lulled to sleep by a hand rubbing against his back. 

~

Hux briskly made his way to the bridge, fixing his grey coat as he went. He wasn’t expected for another few minutes, but the general found himself invested in the current military operations.

“Have the ground crews reported back?” Hux asked as he arrived, hands clasped behind his back.

“Team four reported back, everything went smoothly, Sir. This isn’t the next base, so we can make the jump to hyperspace and leave this system. The extra backup is already back onboard.” Lieutenant James said. 

“And the other three? They should’ve reported back to us by now.” Hux inquired.

“As our transmissions are blocked, we can’t know if they succeeded in securing the outposts until they do, Sir.” 

Hux sighed, shaking his head. “Then we wait.” He said. “Engage hyperspace and go back to neutral territory before we’re spotted.”

Hux turned and looked out of the windows, at the constellations swirling in the distance, at the blue planet in the distance, and its many moons rotating it. It was soothing, watching the moons orbit their centre, gravitating towards the only thing they exist for. In another life, Hux thinks he’d be a dancer, choreographing a ballet to honour the moons and the stars, or a composer, conducting an orchestra. But in this life, the only things Hux choreographed were battles, the only things he conducted were wars.

“General Sir, team two reported back, they were successful, the outpost is not main base.” A lieutenant said to him. Hux gave her a curt nod. 

“Playing the waiting game, I see?” A deep voice said from behind him.

“Run along, Ren, the adults are talking, dear.” Hux said, casting a sly smirk over to Ren.

“Have you located the base?” He asked, looming over Hux.

“We’ve ruled out two possibilities, now we simply wait. Patience is a virtue, Lord Ren.” Hux said, turning away. 

Hux knew the knight was in his head, feeling the pressure in his temples that came with mind-invasion. He shot a glare at Ren, who simply shrugged, recoiled from Hux’s mind, and stalked away.

~

Hux went back to his quarters, cursing under his breath. They had yet to get a response from the first and third teams, which meant A. Things were going terribly or B. They had transmission issues. Hux made a mental note to check with the other ships in the fleet if the transmissions were still shut down a he took off his boots and grabbed a bottle of white wine, pouring himself a glass.

One of the perks of having an officers quarters was the small fridge, which Hux used to store fruits and actual food, not simple rations. He grabbed a sun fruit and began to cut it up, sipping at his wine as he went along. He ate the sweet fruit and drank his wine, realizing he managed to actually finish his daily reports during the tedious waiting game. Smiling to himself, Hux hummed as he turned on his favourite symphony, refilling his glass.

Hux was not a dancer, but he knew the steps well enough to waltz around, wine in hands, humming the melody of a song in A flat major, the flutes soft like a summer breeze. Hux was not a dancer but he understood ballet enough to point his toes and spin, and fuck, he may have been slightly drunk, but everything felt peaceful and for some reason he wanted to _tell_ somebody.

And Hux found himself walking to Kylo’s room, ringing the bell and swaying to music that wasn’t playing. The door swung open, revealing a rather amused Ren, devoid of helmet and cape.

“You’re drunk.” He said.

Hux shrugged.

“You’re projecting more than usual tonight, I could hear your music as if you were singing it to me.” Ren told Hux, dragging him onto his sofa. 

“How did you hear me? My music-” Hux said, but was cut of by a scoff from Ren.

“I heard it through your emotions. Not everyone is as loud as you are.” Ren replied, smiling at the puzzled red head in front of him.

Hux shrugged again. “Then I guess you know why I came.”

“You’re lonely.”

“Not with you, I’m not.”

And Hux pressed his lips down to meet Ren’s, running his palms over his cheeks and tangling his fingers into his dark hair. And everything was happening all at once, suddenly Hux was being lifted and set down on a bed, and he was being kissed on his hip bones and everything was arching and so _loud_ , yet nothing was said. And the song in A flat major rang through Hux’s ears as Ren pressed into him, his gasps becoming the woodwind flutes, the bass being played through their heartbeats, rapid, intertwined and racing to the edge. 

Hux is kissing the skin above Ren’s clavicle, and there is something enchanting about the way his breath hitches, the way he lets himself fall into Hux, everything is soft and gentle yet careless, sloppy without error. And Hux says _I love you_ when he opens his eyes. And Ren says it back.

Hux curls into Ren’s side, resting his head on his chest, exhaling calmly. 

"Are you going to leave?” Ren asked, as he drew swirls on Hux’s arm.

"Do you want me to?” Hux replied, looking up at Ren.

"No I-"

"Then I’ll stay. Good night, Ren.”

“Sweet dreams.”

~

_The air was bitter cold and tasted like salt from the sea, yet Kylo did not shiver. He sat, eyes closed, sitting on a block of ice by the shore. This had been his instructions, meditate, gain strength from the pain, and only move when you are ready to move on._

_Kylo had no idea how long he had been sitting, meditating. He would never let anyone know, but he enjoyed it. He enjoyed stretching out his mind to the beings lurking in the water beside him, to the minds of the people living in the nearby village. He felt connected, as if he was everywhere yet nowhere at the same time._

_Kylo let out a deep breath, and found himself opening his eyes to see a hazy figure sitting across from him. His first instinct was to recoil, but he kept concentration, cocking his head as he inspected the man in front of him. He had long hair, not as long and Kylo’s, possibly brown. He was wearing a back cloak, and had the hood concealing his face. The man was translucent, a ghost? Kylo frowned, studying his face as the man smiled at him._

_“You must know who I am?” The man said. Kylo shook his head, causing the man to chuckle as he pushed his hood down, revealing a young face, with piercing yellow eyes and a scar on his eyebrow._

_Kylo had to stop himself from gasping, his eyes widening as he realized who he was looking at. “Grandfather Anakin? Lord Vader?” He asked, standing up and walking towards the ghost._

_“Before I was burned, of course.” Vader said, his voice light for such a dark joke. “You’ve grown strong I see, stronger than the Light would ever allow.”_

_Kylo nodded. “I can do things that master- that Luke could never have been able to. I have become stronger, I can finish what you have started!” Kylo exclaimed._

_Vader simply laughed. “There is always a reason to turn away from the light, Kylo.”_

_And he was gone, fading into the ocean’s misty spray. Kylo was shaking, looking down at his freezing hands as if he expected them to be changed. He looked back up, whipped his head around, but still, nothing._

_His grandfather was gone._

_~_

Tensions were high on the bridge when Hux arrived. He frowned, seeing peopled freeze when they saw him.

“Well, have they responded?” Hux snapped, causing people to look away. 

“No, General Sir, not exactly.” Lieutenant Mikita responded.

“What do you mean, not _exactly_?” Hux said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“You see, Sir, the teams were able to send us a message, only because the other ships stopped jamming transmissions. They were able to send us a transcript saying they haven’t reached the outposts yet, and that the coordinates were a few degrees off. They should reach by nightfall.” Mikita told him.

Hux let out a heavy sigh. “Deal with whoever was responsible for the mistake, Lieutenant.” He said.

Overseeing the bridge meant a lot of standing, and pacing. Hux found his hands shaking slightly, and took a deep breath. It wasn’t withdrawals, that was certain. He pushed his health to the back of his head, ignoring the effort it took to simply walk towards a railing to place some of his weight on. 

Hux mentally kicked himself. He had a meeting in an hour, he could sit down then. Until then, he would stand tall and direct his army like he should.

By the time the meeting was started, Hux had to put all of his energy into simply not stuttering when discussing the battle plans. If anyone noticed him being a bit quieter than usual, no one said anything. It was hard to concentrate to speak, let alone plan an intricate battle that could be the turning point of this war.

The meeting ran two hours longer than scheduled, but the plans were solid, and Hux was not letting his petty fatigue get in the way of his duty. The moment the meeting had ended, he stood up, dizzied by the fast movement. He clutched his chair, waiting for the spinning to pass as people filed out the door and left. Hux was last to go, going down the first corridor he saw, and collapsing.

~

When Hux woke up, he was greeted with the familiar scent of Ren’s quarters and the feeling of hunger gnawing in his bones. He groaned, shutting his eyes and rolling over, pressing his face into the mattress. 

“You fainted.” Kylo told him. Hux let out a deep sigh from his nose.

“You know, you can’t survive of alcohol alone.” Ren continued, as he rubbing Hux’s back.

Hux turned his head. “I ate a sun fruit yesterday, and I take vitamins too. I’m not incompetent when it comes to my heath.”

“Your body needs more substance than that, and you know it.” Ren scolded. 

Hux ignored him, sitting up. He stopped when he felt the familiar dizzy sensation along with black dots dancing along his vision. He tried again, this time moving slower as to not pass out. He scooted against the wall, crossing his legs.

“I could tell something was wrong. You were awfully muted today.” Ren told him, handing him some sort of bread and a fruit, along with a glass of water.

“What do you mean, muted?” Hux asked, suspecting the force has something to do with it.

“It’s hard to explain,” Ren said. “Picture everyones presence as a baseline to a song.”

Hux nodded, biting into the bread and taking a sip of water.

“So everyday, you hear this baseline, some parts a lot louder than others. But like any other white noise, you tune it out after awhile. It’s-“ Ren paused. “It’s different with you.”

Hux cocked his head. “How so?”

“Even without trying to pay attention to yours, even when I tune out the white noise, your baseline is always there. So when I sensed it being _muffled_ by something, I went looking for you. You’re lucky I caught you, you would’ve bruised your face.”

Hux huffed, rolling his eyes and continued to eat. The silence pierced through the room as Ren stood up, running a hand through his dark hair, and looked back at Hux.

“Tell me about your childhood.” He said, sitting back down beside Hux.

Hux shrugged. “My father wasn’t much of a father, and not much of a husband either. He staged my mother’s death once she became a liability to him. I guess whatever childhood I had was poisoned by being sent to the Academy.”

Ren stared at Hux intently, who was sipping his drink and looking back. 

“Tell me a story.” Hux said, looking away from Kylo.

“About what, exactly?” He replied.

“Your childhood.”

Ren’s jaw stiffened, as he glared at Hux. “And why would I do that?”

Hux scoffed. “I some of my life, you share some of yours. For god’s sake, Ren, whatever conflict of the _light_ you had can’t be anything compared to seeing your mother’s head split open on the kitchen tiles.”

Ren stared, stunned at what Hux had said. It was stated like a fact, something casual and unimportant, like the weather forecast or the date. Hux looked back at him, shrugging his shoulders as he placed his finished water glass down on the floor, and turned towards Ren.

Hux laid back against Ren’s chest, between his legs. Ren wrapped his arms around Hux, watching him get comfortable as he rubbed the ginger’s back.

“When I was about six or seven years old,” Ren started, closing his eyes and leaning back into the pillows on his bed. “I was finally able to levitate large objects. Needless to say, I was pleased. So I decided, one day, that I’d levitate myself, so I could fly.”

“I’m guessing that didn’t turn out well?” Hux asked with a slight smile on his face.

“Yeah, no. I ended up blowing all the circuits in the area. My dad-” Ren stopped short, as if the word was taboo. He clenched his fist, tightened his jaw and squeezed his eyes tight. Hux curled deeper into Ren’s chest, as if he were providing some sort of cat-like comfort.

Ren took a deep breath, calming down. “He wasn’t much of a father anyways.” He said, holding Hux tighter. Hux buried his face into the crook of Ren’s neck.

“I guess we both have daddy issues, yeah?”

~


	3. 0.3

_“Let my feet rip apart with wounds: at least I can still smile when I see you.”_

_~_

Hux walked into the holo-room to meet with Snoke at the exact time Ren walked out, his mask held in his hand and his face contorted in pure anger. Hux quickly looked away, not wanting to agitate him further, but was still shoved as the knight passed. _What the hell is wrong with him?_ Hux thought. 

“Bastard,” Ren whispered, and Hux wasn’t sure if he meant him or Snoke. It dawned on the general that Kylo had probably read his mind, and he cursed himself for being so dense.

Hux continued into the dimly lit room where the massive projection of their Supreme Leader was sitting, something close to a smirk dancing across his mauled features. Hux bowed, as custom, before speaking.

“You wished to see me, Supreme Leader?” Hux said smoothly, He felt a surge of chills trickle down his prine as he lifted his eyes to meet the creature in front of him.

Snoke chuckled. “Now, now, General, at ease.” Hux straightened and looked Snoke in the eye.

“I summoned you to discuss the ambush you have planned. You are aware, General, that you are lucky to be alive?” Snoke said, his voice creeping into Hux’s ears. Hux kept quiet, knowing not to speak.

“The mistakes you made at Starkiller base were disastrous to the First Order’s regime, and yet you find yourself alive and with your title, as well. You should know, and be reminded, that any failure will not be tolerated.”

“Yes sir-”

“Did you have permission to speak?” Snoke hissed, causing Hux to bow his head in apology. “Since Starkiller base collapsed, you have not been containing the strong grip on this Order as you had before. Take this as a crossroads, one mistake, and you’re gone. Another victory, and you play the game again. Understand?” 

Hux nodded.

“Good,” Snoke said. “Dismissed.”

Hux bowed again, and turned to leave, hastily making his way out of the holo-room to return to the bridge.

~

Hux arrived at the bridge, and for the first time since Starkiller base had been built, it was too good news. Both outposts were successfully captured, and team two had confirmed that the new base was to be located on a small, lush moon. Hux had to contain his sigh of relief that they had not been ambushed, but he was glad nonetheless. 

“General Sir, when shall we launch the ground troops?” Lieutenant James asked. 

“Now, assuming you’ve informed the other ships in our fleet of this success. We are short for time, Lieutenant, so soon after they have landed we will go into hyperspace and meet up with them. That’s when we’ll send out the TIE fighters as planed.” Hux told him. 

Lieutenant James nodded, and left to work out the finer details of the battle as Hux oversaw the review of attack strategies. A familiar sensation of excitement, mixed with a hint of dread, swirled in Hux’s stomach as they began preparations.

The moment the order was given, the air tensed. This was the first large scale attack since Starkiller base, and Hux had the pressure of Snoke’s words to motivate him to win. Hux bit the inside of his cheek, readily drawing blood to distract himself from the fear that had begun to course through his veins. He willed his hands not to shake, instead clasping them behind his back.

Perhaps, if Hux were a dancer, this would be the performance of a lifetime. The largest stage, the brightest lights, the stars twinkling with glee to watch a show like no other. Maybe, in another life, this would be Hux’s most famous symphony, about to be played in front of billions, as the eyes of emperors are royalty watch him conduct an orchestra with fierce passion. 

But Hux was not an artist, and this was no show. This was a war and Hux was a general, and the battle the laid ahead would decide not only his fate, but the fate of the galaxy.

Hux smirked, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it as he gave out commands. He always did like a challenge. 

~

Ren was more than furious, Ren was livid. 

More than anything, Ren _loathed_ talking with Master Snoke, and hated hearing himself talked down to. It was petty as it was childish, he knew, but it didn’t stop him from destroying the nearest object once he left the holo-room.

Lightsaber ablaze as he hacked through the mechanical wall, Ren screamed, letting out his anger. The words Leader Snoke had spoken echoed through his head.

_You are weak, Kylo Ren. Your progress disgusts me._

Ren screeched again, punching the burnt wall before securing on his mask and storming to his meditation room. The entire ship was on edge, he could feel the tension seeping through his pores as he strode, felt the excitement and the anger the crew was containing. Ren knew what was happening, the next battle was beginning.

He entered the meditation room, pulling off his helmet and discarding his cape and boots, sitting cross legged on the cool tile floor. He shut his eyes, and took a deep breath, releasing not only his own tension, but the tension of the entire fleet with an exhale.

He listened to the voices, the hushed whispers between stormtroopers as they prepped for launch, the excitement held in the pride of being on the front lines. Ren let his mind flow into the thoughts of the bridge, where he muddled through the tension and nerves of officers to search for the one he wanted to see.

He could see it as clear as day. Hux’s greatcoat, somehow still draped across his shoulders as he commanded the officers, a cigarette between his gloved hand and his walked between rows of people. Hux was nervous, but more than anyone there, he was high of the thrill of battle, or at least, the battle of strategy; one Ren never knew.

Ren tried to clear the image, to focus on the smallest detail, from the gleam on his shoes to the stray ginger hair in Hux’s face, but found the picture fading. Ren bit his lip, trying again to no avail.

“Kylo Ren,” A voice said from behind him. Kylo whipped his head around, standing to see the bluish form of a young man, panic clouding his features as he stared at him.

“Grandfather, Lord Vader-” Ren started, bus was cut off.

“It’s Anakin, and I need you to listen carefully to me if you want to survive.” The ghost said, walking towards him. 

Ren took a step back. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you and the people you love are in danger, and you must think about where you draw your strength from and who you answer to. The path to victory, if not, a chance at living, is not possible if you do not listen to me right now.” Anakin said, lowering his voice to a haunting level, sending chills up Ren’s spine.

“Lord Va- Anakin, I have been connecting to the dark side and fuelling my strength with its power, but the call to the light is tearing me apart.” Kylo said, matching his grandfather’s hushed tone.

“Fuck whatever resisting you’re attempting right now. The only way to pull strength from the Force right now is to embrace what comes to you. Do not fall again into the role you escaped from many years ago, Ren.” Anakin said.

Ren stood stunned. “As if I could just let myself pull from the light side, after murdering my father, after killing _children_ , to secure my power with the darkness!” Ren shouted, as the lights began to flicker.

“But did either of those things really lull you into the dark? Or were you acting on someone else’s command, like a common pawn or guard dog? You’re naïve if you can’t let go of your pride to take strength from the force as it is, not from its light and shadow.” Anakin told him, voice still calm and cold despite Ren’s tone. “I cannot stay for very long, but take heed, the one you love is in danger and not one side is going to be enough to guarantee their life, Kylo Ren.”

Ren opened his mouth to speak again, but the ghost of his grandfather was fading once again, and he was left only staring into the darkness.

Kylo felt himself shaking as he took steps back, sliding down the wall. His legs could barely hold him as he watched his fingertips tremor from shock. The thing he had been told to hate, the nature he had suppressed for half his life, was now something he was expected to pick back up again, as if nothing had happened?

_No,_ Ren thought, shaking his head. _This isn’t happening._

Who could he trust? The master whom had beaten him into submission, a figure that appeared into the shadows, gave him everything he had, or a ghost of someone who his power never rivalled, and who still managed to fall in the end? 

Ren stood up, ignoring the black spots clouding his vision, and used the force to summon his cloak as he fastened his helmet, opening the door and making his way to the bridge.

As he walked, he felt the lurch of a jump to hyperspace, that caused everyone in the hall to jerk forwards. He resumed walking, at a faster pace, and focused on Hux: Still alive, still tense, still concentrated.

Ren expected all of the busy heads in the bridge to look his way, to see chairs swivel and people cower at his arrival, but it seemed everyone, for once, didn’t spare him a glance. If Kylo thought he could feel the tension from his quarters, that was nothing compared to being in the heat of the bridge.

“Lord Ren, Sir,” A man said to him, giving a small bow. “General Hux-”

“Where is he?” Ren said, low and menacing, through his mask’s voice enhancer. 

The man turned, beckoning him to follow, as they weaved in an out of the computers to the main platform where Hux was standing, having an aggressive conversation with a small man. The moment he saw Ren, he shooed the man away, and walked towards him.

“What the hell, Ren? You can’t just saunter in here-“ The general started, but was quickly shut up by his air column tightening, not even from the force, but from the sheer aura of anger, and _fear_ , that Ren carried.

Suddenly, before Ren could speak, he felt a tug, a familiar sensation of another being who could manipulate the force, calling out through the wavelengths in his mind.

“Ren?” Hux asked, somewhat softer.

“I need to get to the base,” He said. “Immediately, I sense a disturbance.”

Hux scoffed. “Don’t let your personal matters interfere with my battle, Ren.”

“If anything, they’ll let you win, General.” Ren said.

Hux stared into the mask, before giving in. He nodded, somewhat skeptical, but turned to someone on his right and began to speak in something Ren called his “General Voice.”

“Send the recon ship to investigate the signal we received from the moon, it’s most likely the undercover troops we deployed earlier. Lord Ren will flank and then break off and land at the base to _investigate._ ” Hux said, tearing his eyes away from the mask. Ren turned and left, and Hux looked back towards him, a silent _goodbye_ resting on his lips unspoken through the chaos. 

~

Ren very nearly ran to the hanger to board his shuttle, not waiting for whatever debriefing the recon crew needed. The hanger was lit in the florescent blue-white light that every room on the ship carried, giving off it’s sterile glow. The launch bay felt more like a medical wing to him.

He checked the time as he entered his shuttle, tempted to take off then, but held himself back. He breathed in, remembering the words his grandfather had said.

_Do not fall again into the role you escaped from many years ago, Ren._ The words echoed in the back of his mind as he pulled off his helmet, feeling suffocated by his own thoughts as he tried desperately to connect to the force in some way.

He closed his eyes, trying to feed off of his anger, his frustration. How could he gain strength from the light when resisting it had secured his power from the dark? The flicker of lights danced outside of his closed eyelids, but he ignored them, instead searching deeper into himself. Everything was too loud, the shouting thoughts of officers, the nervous stormtroopers being deployed, and the excitement of sadistic battalion leaders, ready to storm the base and laugh at the sight of blood. 

He felt himself scream with aguish, fear forcing his eyes to snap open as he pulled on his hair and smacked the console. He shut his eyes again, forcing himself to look for the one thing that he could tether himself too, the anchor in the wild sea, the calm in the storm.

The conductor of an orchestra of chaos.

Hux was running through the halls of the Finalizer, pushing past people and making his way to the hanger. Ren snapped himself out of his vision and raced out of his shuttle to meet the General, who was already pushing him against the side of the ship.

Kylo didn’t even have a chance to breathe before Hux’s lips started to attack his jaw, rough and without mercy. He grabbed Ren’s face with both gloved hands and pulled it down to his, looking into his dark eyes.

“If we loose this I am going to die, Ren.” He said, tears beginning to form in his eyes. “So you better not fuck this up because I love you, goddammit, and I hate having to treat us and you and _every goddamn thing_ like a fucking _asset_ , like a tool to win this war! And I just want to be able to be held at the end of this, but we both know that’s not gonna happen, Ren, so give me another goddamn day of dreaming of the perfect life where I’m a composer and you’re some satanic monk, just don’t let me die today.” 

And Ren was pressing his body into Hux’s, engulfing the ginger in an embrace before he could even lean up to kiss him, rubbing his back and breathing softly.

“Run away with me.” He said, but Kylo knew the answer without even dipping into Hux’s mind.

“I can’t.”

The silence that pierced the air between them was thick with tension and longing, as if every _I miss you_ , every worry they had pressed down to thebottoms of their hearts had resurfaced, as if it had pushed it way to the lumps that swelled in their throats as they tried to find the breath needed to speak.

“I love you, Hux. I don’t even know if I’m _allowed_ to love.” Ren told him, caressing his cheek. “I need to leave, baby.”

Hux nodded, wiping away stray tears and looking up, and smiling half heartedly before leaving, bringing a small communication device to his ear and going back to his stage, _no,_ Ren thinks, _His battlefield_ , leaving Ren with empty hands and a head with more thoughts that before.

When the squadron assigned to accompany him to the base arrived, Kylo was fastening his helmet. He turned to face the masked figures, sensing their fear of the battle that awaited them, and excitement for being deployed into battle. Ren opted not to give a speech, and left to pilot the ship.

Kylo calmed his mind, wishing he could take off his mask to concentrate on whatever he had sensed on the surface of the planet. Meditating was always hard to do when he wore his mask, he felt as if his thoughts were being suffocated by the black metal around his head.

Sometimes, though he’d never say it aloud, he felt like his mask was a pharaohs sarcophagus, and the _finalizer_ was his tomb.

~

Hux was chain smoking, something he thought he’d never succumb to. Then again, he never thought he’d smoke in the first place. If anyone had an issue with it, they hadn’t voiced their concern. The smoke was quickly being circulated out of the room, anyways.

It had been too long since the last time conducted a large scale attack, not to mention one of this grandeur and importance. If he didn’t have the threat of death looming over his head, maybe he’d be a little less reckless in his moves, a little less harsh in his words. 

“This will not be my swan song.” Hux muttered, lighting another cigarette and bringing it to his lips. He took a deep breath, letting the smoke fill his lungs as he looked over the computer map of their troops. 

It had been too calm for too long, Hux thought, as he let the smoke billow out of his mouth. He furrowed his brow and reexamined the red dots on the map, representing the troops that had been earlier deployed. An unsettling feeling crept into his bones, andHux did his best to ignore it.

“Sir,” A woman said, “Lord Ren’s ship has taken off along with the moon recon mission. We expect the recon mission to only take an hour or so.” He nodded, turning to face her.

“How far are the ground troops from the base?” Hux asked, beckoning her to follow him.

“We should be receiving the signal within moments, General Sir.” She said.

Suddenly, a loud alarm sounded,causing the entire crew to jolt their heads up to the red light that had filled the room.

“Oh fuck.” Hux groaned. “What the hell happened?”

“Our transmissions have been jammed!” Someone yelled.

Hux cursed again under his breath. “If they have the ability to jam our transmissions they have a fleet, and a large one at that, nearby. Deploy the TIE fighters and ready the laser cannons.”

This isn’t was Hux expected. He racked his brain for any possible theory, but they all seemed unlikely. The people manning the outposts wouldn’t have enough firepower or men to take back the base by any means, and they made _absolutely_ _sure_ that they had blocked the transmissions while they were infiltrating the bases.

“We managed to get a morse code through, they have a huge ground assault team and we’ve spotted-” Lieutenant James wasn’t able to finish, as the ship gave a huge lurch as a fleet of X-wings fired directly at the bridge.

_Well_ , Hux thought, _That’s what Ren sensed._

~

For the first time in his life, Kylo Ren cursed his grandfather.

_Why the hell did he have to appear and cloud my vision?_ Ren thought, his anger boiling in the pit of his stomach as he tried once again to hone in on the spot where he sensed activity earlier. And that’s when he felt it, the familiar sinking feeling, the punch to his chest that he last felt when he had his light saber piercing his father’s chest.

“Leia.” He growled. The pull of his mother, and another presence, probably the girl, vibrated through the force.

Ren turned his ship around and prepared to send a message to the _Finalizer,_ only to discover he couldn’t.

Ren tried again, pressing the transmissions button twice, to no avail. 

Kylo bit his lip, feeling blood run into his mouth. His attention diverted to the recon ship, and the trouble they might be in. Kylo began to sent out a message, but they had slipped into the jamming zone before he was able to send it out.

Swearing, Ren set course for the _Finalizer_ again and set off as quickly as he could. Ren pulled off his helmet, taking a breath and shutting his eyes, attempting to sense who else had came with his mother.

_The girl, Skywalker, where would they be?_ Ren thought.

It hit him: They would be trying to infiltrate the _Finalizer_.

Ren growled, ignoring the questions of the stormtroopers as he changed course, turning the ship back towards the _Finalizer_ where X-wings were beginning to swoop in and attack. Ren noticed the small fleet advancing towards him, and felt the shuttle lurch as they got hit.

“Turn on the shields, and man the guns!” Ren shouted. 

“Sir, should we not be not be providing backup to the ground crew?” a trooper asked. 

“Are you questioning my orders?” Ren growled, and the stormtrooper shut up and went to man the guns.

Kylo hated the shuttle they were using: it was more for personal transport than attacking and wouldn’t stand a chance against five X-wing fighters. Veering right, he sped up and began to make way to the main hanger. Ren opened communications to request docking, swearing as he remembered the communications were jammed. He pulled up, maneuvering away from enemy fire and watching as one of the X-wings exploded behind them.

Heading for the emergency docking hanger, Ren flew closer to the cannons, hoping the X-wings that were tracking him would get shot down. Several of the cannons had been shot at and destroyed, leaving mechanical debris strewn in front of Ren. He maneuvered them with ease, trying to do so in a way that they would knock into the X-wings behind him. The X-wings managed to avoid them all, and they began to get closer to him.

_Damn,_ Ren thought. _They’re good._

Dodging fire, Ren swopped down and took a sharp turn around the ship, looking for the tell tale signs of the hanger, praying they were still open. He spotted them, closing slowly, and Ren punched the speed and willed through the force for the doors to stay open as he barely slipped through. He forced the doors shut behind him, and crashed the ship in the small hanger. They skidded for a few moments as Ren stood, forcing the door open and jumping out of the ship.

He closed his eyes, sensing the people who were aboard. The bridge had yet to be evacuated, and Ren could see Hux shouting, still directing the battle despite fire from outside the ship aimed directly at the bridge. He was nervous, frustrated, and scared as hell, eyes wild with fury and fear.

Ren grabbed his saber, holding it in his hand as he began to run through the corridors. Blast doors were down in the area. Ren growled and tried punching in his override code, to no avail. Cursing, Kylo cut through them, stepping over debris and the bodies of stormtroopers that were littered on the ground. 

_Skywalker has been here._ Ren mused, stopping to study the slashes across the stormtroopers chests, the well aimed deflected blaster wounds to the head.

He continued down the corridor, stopping only to slash through another door or us the force to check around corners for Skywalker and the girl. It was slow work, the blast doors being thick and heavy for the exact purpose of slowing down his former teacher and his new student. He hacked through the doors, and stepped over the debris. Eventually, Ren figured, he’d reach a blast door that has already been sliced open and he could track down Skywalker and the girl. But Ren hadn’t encountered any of that yet, and he was confused as to exactly what the plan was to find them. 

He closed his eyes, sending his mind through the force ad sensing for Hux. He pushed into his head, listening through his ears to the shouted conversation. Ren felt Hux recognize his presence in his mind, but Hux did nothing to shut him out.

“We need to evacuate the bridge, and evacuate the ship! The resistance has already made a mess of our blast doors and it’s a matter of time before they get to the shield room, which, may I remind you is very close to this very bridge where a fleet of X-wings are destroying our cannons!” A short man yelled at Hux. 

Hux sneered and towered over the man. “We are not evacuating this goddamn ship, we need to corner them off and use them as bargaining, the resistance will not let these two die, and you know that.” Hux snapped, lighting a cigarette and leaning onto the table on his forearms.

“And how do you suggest we do that, General?” The man spat.

“Lord Ren will go.” He said simply, leaning back. “And we will fight on.”

Ren retracted from Hux’s mind, and began sprinting towards the shield generator room. He saw the holes in the blast doors, jumping through them and running towards the room. He slowed when he reached the door to the shield room, igniting his lightsaber and sensing Skywalker’s presence inside. He forced the door to slam open and leaped towards the old man, who had already sensed him and turned, lightsaber ignited to meet Ren’s. There was a clash of colours and Ren pressed down with brute strength and snarled at the old man.

“Artoo, keep working on the blast doors for Rey!”He shouted to the droid, who let out a series of beeps and whirs that translated roughly to _She’s doing quite fine on her own._

Ren backed up, twirling his saber and striking down at Luke, who counted his blow, using two hands to shift the power to him. Ren turned his saber, using the cross guards to cut into his hand, or at least the mechanical one.

“Forgot you needed a biological scan to access the shield generator, did you?” Ren laughed. “Where the hell is the girl?” 

Luke jumped back, forcing leaping against the wall and flipping behind Ren to attack at his back, but Ren was quick, turning around and using the force to push him off balance. Skywalker regained his balance and countered Ren’s strike that was aimed for his head.

“Rey is going to retrieve that that biological scan as we speak, and she’s making quick work through the blast doors, thanks to your help.” He said, smirking as he aimed a blow to Kylo’s side, where the barely healed slash lay. He winced as he backed away, turning the feeble sound into a growl.

“I know there’s light in you, Ben.” Luke said, as Kylo blocked his attack.

“Don’t you dare call me that.” Ren said, low and deep, striking downwards blows at Luke with fury, sparks flying and he attempted to corner Skywalker. He aimed for the man’s side, but was blocked. Twisting his wrist, Kylo used the cross guards again and managed to slice off the rest of his forearm connecting to the man’s fake hand. The saber clattered against the ground, and used the force to grab it and connect it to his belt before his elder could.

Sprinting out of the room and following the trail of destruction, Ren watched as the blast doors were released. He swore, moving faster towards the bridge.

~

Hux felt Ren’s presence leave his mind, and he smirked knowing the man was doing as he planned. Lieutenant Mikita scowled at him, but shouted out the order anyways, as he turned to help direct the battle.

“That was a stupid move and you know it, General.” A woman said to his right.

Hux considered blowing smoke into her face, but decided against it. “Are you questioning my authority? Return to your post.” He said.

The room was cold, and lit only by the dim red emergency lighting. He knew the effort was a definite reach, but the battle wasn’t lost until they were forced to retreat or blown to smithereens, and Hux didn’t know which was more shameful. Either way, he would end up a corpse in a nice suit.

Hux rolled his neck and cracked his knuckles, walking towards the monitor. He stumbled as the ship lurched under relentless fire, his cigarette almost falling from his lips. He gripped onto the nearest railing, watching the lights flicker out then on again, before staying completely off. 

“Did they cut our power?” Someone asked.

“No, only the emergency lights. They’ll turn back on in a few minutes, continue.” Hux snapped, blowing out a puff of smoke as he made his way back over to the rest of the officers.

The ship lurched again, less this time, and the lights came back on. They weren’t in peace for long, as Hux heard a loud _bang_ and the familiar whir of blast doors opening. 

Standing at the door, lightsaber ignited and teeth bared, was Skywalker’s apprentice, Rey. She sliced through the people in front of her in on swift movement, sending another pair flying towards the wall, then locked eyes with Hux, and charged over.

Hux pulled out his blaster, firing at the girl, but she deflected his and the other’s beams flawlessly. He heard the unforgettable _smack_ of bodies hitting the floor as she charged his way. Hux jumped over the railing, landing on the lower level and hiding behind one of the monitors. He wasn’t stupid; Ren could barely hold his own against this girl, and he had the force on his side.

He ducked low, heading towards the door, only to see a blue light buzz pass his face. He turned and fired at the girl’s leg, but that was easily deflected towards his arm. Hux winced, grasping his blaster with one hand and firing with the other, backing up slowly. 

The girl continued to deflect his blasts, the red beams whizzing past his head as he continued to fire. One of the blasts hit his leg, causing Hux to loose balance. He swore, lifting his arm up again to fire. The girl glanced down to his extended arm. Before Hux could realize what she was about to do, she had brought her saber down at his forearm and cut clean through. Hux screamed, dropping to the floor as she picked up his fallen hand. 

The girl snarled at him. “That’s for Finn.” She looked down at him, cradling his arm and looking up at her in pain and fury. She kicked him in the ribs, and Hux attempted to bring her down with his good arm, but she managed to kick him in the nose.

“And that’s for Poe. Fuck you.” She spat, and ran off.

Hux let out a high pitched screech, tasting blood from his mouth and nose, feeling the excruciating pain from his hand that wasn’t there. He looked down at his severed arm, the stump mangled and burnt. He felt the pain in his wrist, his palm, despite only having a small amount of his forearm left after his elbow. He screamed again, yelling for help, but no one came. Shaking, his vision began to blur as his eyes stayed glued the the mangled limb.

Hux tore his eyes away from his arm, pressing the stump into his chest and attempting to crawl towards the door, only to feel a shooting pain go through his ribs.

He curled up, closing his eyes, feeling tears slip down his cheeks. He leaned against the wall, letting his head tip back. He felt the blood from his bleeding nose flow down his throat, causing him to gag and cough it onto the ground. He wiped his mouth with his good hand, looking at the blood on his gloved hand. He let out a shaky sigh, laughing.

_I guess I really will die either way._

_~_

Ren sensed a shooting pain from Hux, and quickly rounded a corner to see Rey, holding some sort of mangled arm. Ren growled running towards her and aiming his lightsaber at her neck. She deflected it with ease, using the force to push him against a wall, knocking the wind out of him. When Ren stood, she was gone. He could hear a distant wail coming from another room.

_Hux,_ Ren thought. He turned, running towards the bridge, looking at the opened blast doors and running into the empty room. He whipped his head around, looking at the bodies of officers and the scattered debris in front of him. He jumped over the railing and onto the lower level, where he spotted Hux, cradling his arm, with blood running down his face. The man was pushed up against a wall, eyes closed and barely breathing.

“Hux!” He yelled in distress, running towards him. Hux opened one eye and gave a grave smile before closing it again.

Ren scooped up his body, cursing the amount of layers he wore as he ran out of the room and towards the hanger to get onto a ship. The ship continued to lurch as they got hit. Ren looked down at Hux, remembering the words his grandfather had spoken.

_The one you love is in danger, and not one side is going to be enough to guarantee their life._

Ren stopped closing his eyes, pulling at the side of the force he had repressed for nearly fifteen years, trying the gain strength from the last bits of life flowing through the man laying in his arms. He let himself remember everything, the smell of his hair after he showered, the freckles that were scattered on his collarbones, the sound of his laugh.

He opened his eyes, feeling a sense of determination flown through him. He used the force to levitate Hux in the air beside him and began to run. He kept his pace steady and fast, always cautious of Hux’s presence as he turned corners and kept moving towards the hanger.

He bolted towards the nearest ship, taking Hux out of the air and boarding it, quickly placing him on one of the seats, strapping him in and going to the pilots chair. He used the force, willing the hanger doors to open. Ren blasted through them, hitting hyperdrive as soon as he left the hanger.

He didn’t even notice the sounds of the _Finalizer_ exploding behind him.

~


	4. 0.4

“ _There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”_  
 _― William Shakespeare, Hamlet_   


_~_

When Hux woke up, feeling pain in an arm that wasn’t there, he let out a groan. Lifting his head from where he lay, he looked around. He was in a stark white room, lying on a what was probably a hospital bed. The lights flickered ever so slightly, and Hux could distantly hear the whirs and groans of machinery. He turned his head to see a med droid working on a mechanical arm, which Hux soon realized was attached to him It laid a sticky goop over the weaved wires, spreading it over them and coating each mechanical finger in the dark black goo.

“It’s false skin, but they don’t have any that is shade changing.” Hux heard a voice say. He looked up to see Ren, wearing a black tunic and carrying a bottle of water. He walked towards him, sitting on the chair beside him.

“Where are we?” Hux asked.

“A hospital, in the outer rim. They manufacture droids for the First Order, it wasn’t hard getting in here. They have all the equipment for repairing and making limbs. We’re leaving as soon as the droid finishes on your arm.” Ren said quietly. 

Hux took a shaky breath. He wanted to be held, to be cradled like the child he never got to be.

“Your ribs are bruised, not broken. I have the supplies to remedy it and your lip, but I want to get a better ship to fly with.” He said looking down at his feet. Ren saw the look in Hux’s eyes, the blank stare of not thinking at all, and he grabbed Hux’s real hand, rubbing circles with his thumb onto the ginger’s palm.

“I thought I was dead. I _am_ dead, Snoke is going to-” Hux started, but he was cut off by Ren’s lips against his own, soft and sweet.

“Snoke won’t do anything to you.” Ren said.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Ren.” Hux told him softly. 

The room went quite. Hux closed his eyes, lying back down. He was vaguely aware of Ren and the droid arguing over if Hux has to stay an extra few hours to let the arm set in the mould. Hux opened his eyes and shot Ren a glare as to say _Let me rest_. Ren gave in, and Hux let himself slip into sleep.

Ren watched as Hux’s breath steadied as he slept, watched the way his scowl faded into a sleepy haze. It was calming; watching him sleep. His bright red hair contrasted the white bed, and Kylo felt the urge to run his fingers through it like he had many times before.

_But doing it now would be different_ , he thought. Ren looked down at Hux, who stirred in his sleep. _What we have isn’t just a fuck anymore._

Ren ignored the voice in his head saying it never was. 

~

_The echoing sounds of Kylo’s footsteps filled the dark holo room. He walked down the metal walkway, listening to the mechanical sounds that followed him through the ship as he went to meet with the enormous blue figure projected in front of him._

_“Kylo Ren.” The man said said, or rather spat. His mangled face always showed some sort of agony when he spoke. His deformed mouth twitched into a sinful grin as he watched the knight kneel._

_“Master Snoke.” Ren said, not lifting his eyes from the ground._

_The room was silent, sans the sound of crackling communications and the buzz of the holoprojector. Ren lifted his gaze to see Snoke, chuckling to himself as he leaned forward. Kylo flinched instinctively._

_“Do you know what the downfall of your dear grandfather was?” He asked._

_Ren swallowed the knot in his through and attempted to speak, but the words seemed to get trapped on the tip of his tongue._

_“Petty attachments where the reason the Empire fell, my apprentice. It seems you have yet to learn that.” Snoke continued. Ren stayed silent._

_“Do not think of yourself as something irreplaceable, Kylo Ren. To both me and your precious General, you are nothing but an asset. Dismissed.”_

_Ren bowed again, and turned to leave, passing Hux on his way out._

_~_

The ship they obtained, or rather, stole, was a small cargo ship, probably made for four or five passengers, but was small enough that they would be able to go about unnoticed, or as unnoticed as a Knight of Ren and First Order general can go.

_Former First Order general,_ Hux thought, bitterly correcting himself as he worked the copilots seat. His mechanical hand felt strange, and he wasted used to looking down and seeing a shiny black forearm, devoid of freckles and veins, when he lifted his arm to fix his hair. Of course the girl had to hack off his dominant hand.

The air in the ship was quiet, bordering tense, before Hux broke the silence.

“We’re setting course for Kessel.” He said, leaning across Ren to plot their course.

Ren scoffed. “Why, exactly? The planet is full of crime lords and grimy hubs where smugglers drink away their problems”

“Sounds a lot like me,” Hux whispered under his breath. Ren gave him a dubious look before turning away.

“They don’t have any Resistance ties and none of our troops are exactly focused on managing outer rim planets at the moment. We can find somewhere to stay before we figure out what the fuck we’re doing.” Hux finished, hitting a button and launching the ship into hyper speed.

Ren swore to himself. He knew Hux was right, and knew that this was a good idea, but the nagging worry that etched in the back of his head kept him from not worrying.

Silence fell through out the ship once again as they pulled out of hyperspace and continued onto their path.

Hux fiddled with the sleeves of his coat, peering down at the first order symbol on the sleeve. There was a part of his good for nothing pride that made him want to keep it, to prove that he once had worth and high rank, that he wasn’t just a dirty criminal with a fake hand kept alive by luck and his sheer will. He stood up, abandoning his copilots chair and walking towards the small cabin room where he climbed to the top of the loft bed. Grabbing the knife he had strapped to his leg (seeing as he’d have to fend for himself from now on, he thought maybe having a few more weapons for his use) he sat crosslegged on the bed, draping the coat over his lap, the blood red symbol facing towards him.

Swallowing the last bit on his pride, Hux pressed the knife to the sewing where the patch was stitched on. Carefully severing it from the coat, he sliced through the strings as he cut off the useless patch.

It was slow work, Hux was careful not to tear a hole in the fabric while he worked, but it calmed his racing thoughts as he focused on the task at hand, and not the nagging issue in the back of his mind.

When he finished, he held the coat up, looking at the spots of blood on it from his wounds, mainly his side. Hux ran his fingers over the bandage Ren had wrapped around him. He was lucky lightsabers cauterize wounds, otherwise he would easily be dead instead of wondering why the hell he was alive in the first place.

Hux felt his fingers twitch, and the inevitable urge for a cigarette ran through him. He sighed, checking his pockets and praying to find one. As expected, they were empty. He made a mental note to buy some as soon as they made it to Kessel. It soon occurred to Hux that smuggling planets rarely accepted anything but cash credits, causing Hux to groan in defeat. Maybe Ren could use the force and get him a few packs. Hux sighed, doubting the man would ever do something like that.

Hux heard footsteps echoing towards him, and watched as Ren emerged from the doorway. He jumped onto the loft bed, somehow managing to land softly without killing them both. Hux looked up at him, glaring into the black haired man’s eyes without speaking. He watched as Ren leaned in to kiss him, but Hux kicked his leg out and snarled.

“Why the hell am I still alive Ren? What the fuck are you doing?” He hissed, uncrossing his legs and pushing Ren against the wall. 

“I have no clue!” Ren yelled, grabbing at his hair. “I have no fucking clue and you know what Hux? All I’ve known since we first started whatever the hell this is, is that you started being the thing I cared about, more than what I gave up my entire life for!”

Hux sneered. “Don’t act like you gave them up. You are as much as a murderer as I am, Ren, you killed whatever you were to them, you slayed Ben Solo and grew something else from his goddamn ashes.” Hux spat. 

“The force is something you will never be able to comprehend, Hux. I murdered children to separate myself from the light!” Ren shouted back.

“And I gave the order to kill billions, Ren. Do you want to play the who-is-more-cruel game? Because being a Sith or whatever forceful being you are doesn't change the fact that I watched my mother bleed to death and slit my peer’s throat before my twelfth birthday. You aren’t the only one who has conflict with darkness, whether its metaphorical or the fucking force. At least you had a chance to choose this goddamn path, but me? I was born to become a murdering machine, a weapon, a general. The only path I was ever presented with was killer, Ren. I never got to dream of being a dancer or a violinist, instead I was bred into an army of people who were trained assassins under a different name, under the name of a false pretence of government!” Hux screeched, hitting his (real) fist against the wall.

Ren stared at him blankly as Hux began to cry. At first it was a single tear that multiplied into a river that ran down the curve of his jaw, and then in morphed into choked sobs, shaking shoulders, and Hux’s hands were grasping onto the mattress as he screamed.

He felt Ren’s hands Run through his hair, down his back as he was engulfed in an embrace. Hux continued to shake, his breath catching as he tried to breath steady breaths. 

“I love you.” Ren whispered.

“Why?” Hux choked back in response. “How?”

“I don’t think loving someone is something you can control. But if it wasn’t, I’d love you anyway. You are a billion times stronger than I’ll ever be.”

“I’m a terrible person.” Hux whispered.

“No you aren’t.”

“Ren, if it would save your life, I’d detonate another five planets, murder another billion families, skin myself ten times over just to see you breathe.” Hux snapped. “Don’t act like you wouldn’t hesitate.

And that shut Ren up, because he knew he would.

~

For the first time in his life, Hux thanked the universe for smuggler dens and planets like Kessel. The mines, long since closed, housed bars and inns of all types. As they approached, Hux searched for something to cover his head once he exited, not wanting to be recognized. He spotted Ren’s cloak, slightly torn, and slipped his arms through the large sleeves. The cloak hung loose on his slender frame, and it trailed slightly on the ground. Hux bit back a laugh at how child like he looked. Flipping the hood to cover his head, he grabbed his grey coat and threw it over his shoulders and walked to the piloting room where Ren was finishing the landing sequence. Hux waited by the door, fiddling with his sleeves.

Ren stood up, grabbing a backpack of sorts and slinging it over one shoulder. The sounds of metal clinking together filled the small room, and Hux rolled his eyes. _Leave it to Kylo Ren to steal money from the people who made me an arm._ He thought. They stared at each other for a few seconds, before Hux motioned to the door.

“Lead the way, then.” He said.

Ren rolled his eyes. “How do you think I know my way around?”

“I’ve done next to no field work, only simulations. Wasn’t your father a smuggler at one point? Either way you know than I.” Hux said.

Ren chose to ignore the comment about his father and exited the ship, walking down the ramp and turning to make sure that HUx was following. The planet’s air wasn’t as smog filled as it once was, but smoke hazed the dark sky either way. They walked through the city alleyways staying adjacent to the main road, Hux keeping his head low and Ren looking at the buildings constructed out of a patchwork of spare metals and beams, causing it to look like one push would knock it over, in an endearing way. Ren found himself smiling. It had been ages since he last wandered city streets, looking at the architecture without a care in his mind.

If he tried hard enough, he could imagine that they were two lovers wandering through city streets on some sort of weird date, a date where you have to look around corners before passing, a date where you can’t laugh too loudly or not at all. Ren was easily snapped out of his trance by Hux pulling on his sleeve. He motioned to a store of sorts, the title in a language Ren couldn’t read. He quickly checked Hux’s mind for the translation.

“Can you sense who is in there?” Hux asked.

“I can sense that theres very few people in the shop. Someone is there, but I can’t pinpoint who’s train of thought I’m pick up.” He said quietly.

Hux shrugged, and pushed open the door and closing it tightly. The inside of the shop was illuminated with a dull amber glow, and smelt of opium poppies and herbal tea. The shop was quaint in width, but stretched far back. An old woman smiled, looking up from her book she was reading. 

“Hello, boys. If you were looking for the damned brothel, it’s upstairs. Otherwise, welcome. The clothes are second hand, but I made all of the perfumes, candles, soaps and tea myself.” She told them with a smile. She turned back to her book, and left them to wander.

Hux slowly walked towards the rack of clothes, looking for some kind of button down shirts to wear. They were all worn and soft, smelling like someone else’s cologne and the musky scent of old wood. He picked up a few, in various shades of white to black, and went to look for some kind of pants. He walked past another rack, this time of assorted tank tops, and Hux grabbed a few while looking ahead for pants. 

He found a single pair of slacks, a pair of dark jeans, and a ridiculous amount of loose tunic pants. Grading three in dark black, he sighed, turning to see Ren throwing him another two cloaks, this time in brown and grey. He picked up some underwear (in a vintage looking package that looked to be never opened, thank god) and various pairs of socks and boots.

He had wandered as far as to the area where the source of the smell was originating from. Grabbing a few bars of soap, a tin of what was labeled simply as _Perfume- Mens_ and a few bags of tea, Hux went to meet Ren at the front of the shop.

Ren had grabbed a larger bag, and his things were already in it. The women looked through Hux’s things, and placed them in the bag as well. 

She gave them another eerie smile. “How will you pay?” She asked. “Credits I assume, you don’t look like the regulars.”

Ren nodded letting out a nervous chuckle, and the woman laughed.

“It’s alright. Fifty three credits, please.”

As Ren fished out the coins and counted them through, Hux suddenly remembered something.

“Do you sell cigarettes?” He said quickly, causing them both to jump. Ren shot him a look and the woman snickered.

“I’ll give you a pack for free, kid. You look like a boy who has had a rather bad day and doesn't want withdrawals on top of it.” The woman said, handing him a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Hux thanked her, silently surprised at her generosity, and took one out of the pack as Ren took the bag filled with their belongings and turned to leave.

Just as they were about to exit, the woman made a noise of protest. They turned to see her standing, eyes narrowed, brow quivered.

“Do I know you, boy?” She asked Hux, walking towards him, hand outstretched as if to push back his hood. 

Ren quickly stepped in between them. “You don’t recognize either of us. You don’t remember we came.” He said, waving his hand slightly.

The woman looked dumbfounded for a moment, before regaining her composure and cracking a smile. “A force user, eh? It’s been awhile since I met own of ‘em. My son used to train as a Jedi before-” Her sentence was cut off as Hux pulled out his blaster and shot her square in the head.

Ren’s eyes widened as he turned to Hux. “What the hell?”

“Your mind trick didn’t work, so I took care of it. Come on, go take all the cash you can find, let’s go find an inn.” Hux told him as he shot out the light bulb on the celling of the shop, leaving the store in darkness, but not before grabbing the remaining packs of cigarettes on the counter.

As they exited the shop, they hurried through the back ways, looking for some indication of a place to stay. The entered unmarked buildings, dealt with drunk lifeforms, and ran through many more alleyways trying to avoid the sounds of shouting and blaster fire.

After a few more hours of walking, beside the main road, they found a small inn, run by a Twi’liek woman, who was drinking a glass of brandy as they entered. She threw them a key without bothering to say hello, simply shouting out the fee they owe her, which Ren threw back at her. She caught the coins, grinning and waving them off.

They walked up the narrow stairs, listening to the creaks in the wood as they looked for the room corresponding with their key. By the time they entered their room, all Hux wanted to do was collapse and sleep. Kylo already had, his face was only visible from under the covers. But Hux reeked of blood, sweat and grease, and he knew if he didn’t shower now he’d regret it later. The room was a dull maroon shade, with no windows and a single double bed in the room. The duvet was thick, and a few quilts laid on top of it. A long metal table was pushed against the wall, with a few chairs around it and a holo projector sitting on top of it, along with a small and very, _very_ old radio.

Hux smiled, somewhat enjoying the rundown and vintage aesthetic of the room, taking the bag from where it was placed on the table and opening it. Hux grabbed a pack of cigarettes and the soaps, and headed toward the only other door in the room, pausing the grab the radio. The door was labeled _‘bath’_ in sloppy red handwriting, and Hux pushed open the door. He found it to be surprisingly clean, although the light flickered, the water worked fine and the counters were spotless,besides being slightly chipped.

Placing the radio on the sink, he played with the dials, finding a radio station that was playing music in a language he only partially understood. It sounded nice either way, soft guitars and steady drumbeats, only scratching slightly through the static. Hux let out a relaxed sigh, letting the tension fall from his shoulders as he shrugged off his coat and cloak, hanging both garments on the door. He unbuttoned his shirt and shimmied out of his pants, trying to to bend over as to aggravate the wound on his side. Once naked, he lit the candle he had bought earlier and turned the faucet on the bath, watching as the water began to stream out.

The song changed, and Hux found himself humming along to a rhythm he somehow remembered. The acoustics filled the small bathroom as Hux sat on the counter, and Hux began to sing in a language he forgot he even _knew_ , the words flooding back to him along with the memories of being a kid, playing music in his small bedroom loud enough to dance to, but not long enough so his parents would hear. The small moment he found in that moment, reminiscing a memory without tears, made Hux grin at his toes, thinking out how then he wasn’t yet a murderer with a fake arm.

The bath had filled, and Hux shut off the faucet, testing the water before slipping in, hissing as his wound met the water. He reached for his pack of cigarettes lying on the counter and lit one as he sunk into the warm water. He brought it to his lips, taking a deep breath, letting the smoke fill his lungs. He blew the smoke upwards, not caring if the room had ventilation or not.

Twirling the cigarette between his fingers, Hux leaned back, dipping his hair into the water and closing his eyes. He leaned back against the edge of the tub, slowing his breaths and running his other hand (the real one) through his hair. Amidst the music, he could hear the door creak open. Hux opened an eyes to see Ren, who was already shrugging off his shirt and pants. Hux found himself rolling his eyes and smiling, taking another drag of his cigarette as he waited for Ren to join him. Once Kylo had removed all of his layers, he grabbed a bar of soap and went to join Hux.

When he sat down in the tub, the water sloshed out, splashing onto the floor. Hux groaned, but Ren just laughed, earning him smoke in the face thanks to Hux. Hux was trying to act annoyed, but somehow he was just laughing, watching the smoke leave his lips as Ren ran his hands over Hux’s pale body, lathering him with soap. Hux was still giggling about nothing and everything at once, at the fact that he was still alive and at the fact that he was on a smuggler’s planet instead of a star ship. There was something funny about the situation; Ren was cleaning him while he smoked and laughed, listening to music he couldn’t understand on a planet he’s never been to, the both of them wanted dead.

“Up.” Ren said gently, touching Hux’s arms. Hux obliged, raising his arms above his head, careful not to strain the wound on his side while doing so. Ren continued cleaning him, humming along to the music as he worked away the layers of grime and blood stuck on Hux’s skin. Hux found himself, cigarette dangling from his lips, hands running over Kylo’s broad shoulders as he counted the moles spotting his shoulders like little stars in the galaxy.

And suddenly Hux was being kissed, and everything was soft, and the music was cheery in a way that reeked in nostalgia for the both of them. Hux reached to tangle his fingers in Ren’s hair as the taller of the two slid his hand down Hux’s chest. Hux smiled against the kiss, parting his mouth and letting Ren’s tongue slip into his. Hux hummed into the kiss as started to grind into him, and then he was laughing at the fact that he just received a face full of water. Ren bit his lip, containing a laugh as he sat back up. Hux leaned forward, catching their lips together once again.

And in that moment, they didn’t forget anything, they simply didn’t bother to pay attention.

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

_“One may smile, and smile, and be a villain. ”_

_-William Shakespeare, Hamlet._

_~_

You can’t stay long in smuggler dens, hiding in bath tubs and wondering if the world outside would pause if you held on to the moment tight enough. But not even an iron grip could stop time, and Ren was barely able to shake Hux from his slumber before they heard a knock at the door.

“Resistance.” Hux said breathily, as he pulled on pants and a shirt. “Fucking do something.” He whispered as he tackled the buttons.

“They’ll know it’s us if I use the Force. Grab the bag, we’ll jump out the window.” Ren said, passing by him and grabbing one of the blankets off the bed.

Hux didn’t bother questioning Ren on his plan, but simply tied his laces and threw his cloak on, grabbing the bag. He looked over to Ren, who beckoned him into his arms, and suddenly they were _falling_ until they weren’t, they were on the ground and they weren’t dead.

Hux began to sprint, grabbing the hood with one hand to keep it covering his face as he bolted, Ren at his heals. They maneuvered the streets, finding the man room and continuing to run towards the direction of their ship. Hux looked back, and saw two men in casual clothes, following them at a concerning speed. Hux swore, feeling the shooting pain in his side as he whipped his head back forward and continued to run. _If only I could get to my fucking blaster,_ Hux thought as he ran. 

Hux heard a crash, seeing a pile of boxes and crates fall behind them. They could see their ship, and Hux was just about ready to bolt. A blaster shot whizzed past his ear, making him that much more eager to follow Kylo into the ship. Hux threw the bag on the ground and skidded to the copilots chair as Ren started the ship. They ship hummed with life as they took off, pushing for the stratosphere and abandoning the Resistance soldiers on the ground. Hux busied himself with the hyper speed coordinates, typing the first system that came to mind as Ren punched the hyper drive, sending them into deep space in seconds. 

It took a few minutes for the adrenaline to wear off, leaving the cockpit filled with tension and the growing fear of the force chasing them. Hux found himself biting his nails, only noticing he was doing it when he tasted blood and felt pain in his nail. He looked down at his hand, looking at the way it’s veins showed blue under the sickly pale skin. Hux heaved a heavy sigh, standing to get a cigarette.

Rifling through the bag, Hux grabbed the pack of cigarettes and the lighter, walking towards the cabin space rather than the cobweb of conversations he knew he’d have to have back at the cockpit. Climbing the rickety ladder to sit on the top bunk, Hux pulled out a cigarette with his fake hand and lit it with the other. Leaning back onto the thin mattresses, he brought the cigarette to his lips and took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the smoke and exhaling it into the hair with a heavy breath, watching the smoke twirl around his face.

Somehow, Hux’s mind wandered back to Ren, back to the way they spent the night in lukewarm bathwater, laughing at nothing and everything at the same time. It was ridiculous, Hux scolded himself for being nostalgic about something that happened the night before as he blew smoke into the air again, watching at it got sucked up by the vents. He stopped himself before he spoke to turn them off, remembering they were on a stolen ship, not the _Finalizer_.

_The Finalizer doesn’t exist anymore, anyway._ Hux thought to himself bitterly, rolling onto his stomach and bringing the cigarette to his mouth. The taste of smoke and tobacco mixed with dread, and the fear of being hunted. Wherever Snoke was, Hux knew he was going to send the rest of the Knights of Ren after Kylo and him. 

Hux sighed, sitting up and ignoring the head rush as he jumped off the bed and walked towards the cockpit, deciding to deal with the situation at hand. Ren was in the copilots chair, eyes closed and legs pulled to his chin. At first glance, he could’ve been an oversized child, or one asleep in a black bundle of blankets. But it was only Kylo, eyes closed and meditating as Hux entered the room.

Ren’s eyes snapped open when Hux took a seat, snapping him out of his trance. Hux chewed on his bottom lip, staring at Ren as he fiddled with his hands. It was unlike him to be nervous or jittery, but Hux found his stomach dropping, felt his skin crawl with anxiety as began to speak.

“I set coordinates for Tatoonie. We can find another den to hide out in there.” Hux said. Ren nodded, eyes darting before he could meet Hux’s. Ren said nothing in reply.

“Is this what my life is going to be?” Hux asked quietly. “Running from the people I hate and the ones who I spent my entire life beside? Going from planet to planet, hoping I won’t be killed while trying to live a life away from the Order?”

Ren swallowed the knot forming in his throat. “I’ve been trying to deepen my connection to the force-“

“Goddammit Ren!” Hux yelled. “I couldn’t care less about the force, all it’s ever done is fuck up both of our lives. I don’t care anymore, Ren. I’ve had the one thing that I lived my entire life working for stripped from me because of the force and their users!” Hux’s voice broke as he felt tears slide down his cheeks. 

“I don’t want to die.” He whimpered, not even having the dignity to meet Ren’s eyes.

And suddenly, there were hands wrapped around his shoulders and a head nestled into the crook of his neck. Ren’s hands ran down Hux’s back, rubbing circles in his shoulders and soothing the tension sitting in his bones. Hux took a deep breath, exhaling shakily into Ren’s hair. He reached his hands to tangle into Ren’s raven hair, smelling the scent of sandalwood shampoo and the musky aroma on his clothes. Ren continued to run his hands down Hux’s back, rocking back and forth slightly.

“You’re going to be okay, Hux. We’re going to be okay.” He said, pulling back to look into Hux’s eyes. Tracing his thumbs across Hux’s cheeks, he wiped the tears from under his eyes. Ren leaned in, and kissed him softly, wrapping his arms around Hux’s waist, pulling him into an embrace. 

~

The arrival on Tatoonie was uneventful, a simple landing in the middle of an empty desert. Ren made the decision to sleep on board the ship, not leaving unless one hundred percent necessary. He had taken it upon himself to hide away in the bunk room and meditate, leaving Hux to his own devices. Hux found himself looking at his hands as if they weren’t his own, dragging his false hand over the soft skin of his flesh, feeling as if his body was a rock and he was watching from the outside.

He sat crosslegged in the cockpit, tracing patterns on the body that he couldn’t even call his, eyes affixed on a single spot, unmoving. Hux tasted salt, he didn’t know why. His eyes burned, but it only felt like a dull ache he was half aware of, something that didn’t hurt nearly as must as the pressure in his chest, like his heart was trying to claw it’s way out of his chest and onto the floor. His legs started the tingle, the pins and needles prickling his skin. He stayed in place, only moving to bring his real hand to his mouth, chewing on his nails absently. It stung, and he could faintly taste the irony flavour of blood. He felt as if he was on autopilot. The blood in his mouth, that was not his. He was not here, this was not his body. His arm was not real, neither was he.

He could notice, if he tried hard enough, that night had begun to fall. The sun was setting, sending rays of sun directly into Hux’s eyes, sending rays across his vision. The light bounced off his metallic arm, shining directly into his pupils, blinding his vision slightly. Somehow, he didn’t care to look away. He simply stayed still, head lowered with his hand in his mouth, arm draped across his crossed legs.

Ren had sensed something, something nagging at the back of his mind, as he laid on the ground of the bunk room. He was trying, desperately hard, to call out to his grandfather, to hear from him again, but to no avail. The nagging feeling, tugging at his consciousness continued to linger and pull his mind, drifting his focus from meditation. Opening his eyes, he stood, moving towards the door to look for Hux.

It didn’t take him long to find him, however, as he almost tripped over his small hunched frame. Ren looked down at Hux, at the way he was uncharacteristically crouched, curling into himself in the dark. Ren furrowed his brow, calling out Hux’s name, only to receive no reply. Troubled, he sat in front of Hux, wrapping a hand around his wrist that was brought up to his mouth and genteelly pulling it away. Hux continued to look down, not acknowledging Kylo’s presence whatsoever.

“Hux? Can you hear me?” Ren asked, putting two fingers under Hux’s chin and tipping his face up to look at him. “Are you okay?”

Hux didn’t reply, but found himself scanning the man in front of him. Who was the boy with raven hair? Why was he speaking? Who was speaking to? Hux’s eyes darted around the room. Who was he, why wasn’t he at home? Why was his arm metal, his legs long and lanky, body heavy and cold?

“Hux? Hux, do you know where you are?” Ren asked again, this time more urgently, panic lacing his voice. Hux looked directly into Ren’s eyes, not speaking. “Do you know who you are?” Ren tried pressing into Hux’s mind, but found a wall, a block between his thoughts. It was like swimming in molasses, barely moving.

Hux heard Ren speak, but didn’t reply. He was speaking to someone else, not him. Hux steadied his breathing, not bothering to focus his eyes as his vision blurred. This was not his body. He was not real.

“Hux, Hux!” Ren said, grabbing both sides of Hux’s face. “Your name is Brendol Hux II, but you changed it to you middle name, Nathaniel, after your father was killed. You only answer when called HUx, you were the General of the _Finalizer.”_ Ren said quickly, looking dead into Hux’s pupils, never breaking eye contact.

“Your favourite food is sun fruit, you always taste like smoke and that one kind of aged brandy that I don’t know how you can stomach. You take coffee black, you had an orange cat named Millicent growing up, and you used to wear powder foundation to cover your freckles. You prefer space to planet surface, you like your music in 3/4 timing and know how to waltz and play piano. You don't like bulky weapons, you kick too much when you fight. You cut your own hair, you have a birthmark above your hip in the shape of a crescent moon.” Ren continued, not letting Hux look away. He watched as Hux’s pupils began to dilate, his focus coming back.

Ren took a deep breath as Hux shifted, placing his arms around Ren’s shoulders. Ren wrapped his arms around Hux’s waist, lifting him up in one swift motion. Hux wrapped his legs around ren’s torso, clinging onto him like he was the only thing anchoring him to reality. It wasn’t too much of an exaggeration to assume he was. 

Ren walked him into the cabin, placing him on the top bunk before climbing up and laying beside him. Ren pulled up the blanket he had taken from the hotel room they had stayed at the night before, tucking it around his and Hux’s shoulders. He leaned on top on Hux, helping him unbutton his shirt. Hux’s hands were unsteady, shaking as he pulled off his pants and threw them onto the floor. Ren nuzzled into his chest, pressing his weight onto Hux, making him feel that he was alive and _there._ Hux’s hands made their way to Ren’s hair, tangling themselves into the dark locks.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened. It felt like I wasn’t here, I still don’t feel like I’m here.” Hux said quietly, closing's eyes and relaxing his body into Ren’s.

“Has that happened before?” Ren asked.

“When I was younger, before the academy.” Hux replied. “I used to go to my mother when it happened. She’d give me sun fruit and talk about small things.”

“What do you mean, small things?” Ren questioned.

“The colours of the gleam that shone when you lifted a silver spoon, the smell of the colour red. She’d sing entire songs while saying the notes, keeping the pace with her tongue. She’d take random objects and make noises, crumple paper by my right ear. It’d ground me when I floated away. After she died, I just kept myself busy. That stopped me from ever having enough time to stop thinking.” Hux answered, steadying his voice.

There was a long pause before Ren spoke again. “I love you Hux.” He said.

“I don’t. Love me, that is.” Hux replied, his snakiness returning slightly. “I love you though. More than I ever could myself.” He added softly.

Ren hummed. “That’s okay. I’ll love enough for the both of us.”

~

Hux woke to the howling sound of wind outside, and the rattling of, presumably, small rocks and debris scratching the outside of the ship. Ren was already awake, and changing into louse black clothes. Hux sat up, looking down at his lap to see some things laid out for him. He smiled, silently thanking Ren for the consideration. 

As he hopped off the bed, he looked up at Ren, who was using a cloth to wrap his face. As much as either of them didn’t want to leave, braving the sandstorm whirling outside was the only way to get food. Hux wrapping his face in a tan cloth in a similar fashion, following Ren towards the exit hatch of the ship. 

The sand was course, whipping past any exposed skin Hux hadn’t been able to cover. Ren, on the other hand, even had gloves on, the only skin exposed on his body being for his eyes. Hux could hardly see, so he followed blindly behind Ren, praying he knew where he was headed and that they wouldn’t loose sight of the ship.

It wasn’t a very long walk to the small cantina Ren somehow knew of, but the song winds and shifting sands kept their pace slow, battling against the weather as the tried to scramble to get to shelter. Bolting the last couple meters, they managed to escape the howling sandstorm and seek haven in a small den. Taking a deep breath, Ren unravelled the cloth that covered his face, shaking out the dust and tying it around his waist. Hux kept it on, concealing his features in fear that he’d be recognized. 

Dusting the sand from the folds of his clothes, Hux followed Ren to a small booth, examining the room as he walked. Strange music played throughout the cantina, in a language Hux could faintly recognize through the heavy slang used in the lyrics. He sat on the booth seat across from Ren, keeping his voice low when he spoke.

“Go get me a brandy, God knows when I’ll get some again.” He ordered, crossing his legs and leaning forward onto his elbows. “And see if they have food, I’m starved.”

Ren rolled his eyes, but stood up to leave, nonetheless. Hux sighed as he watched Ren walk up to the bar. Looking around at the empty cantina, he began to unravel the cloth around his face. Besides the bartender, they were the only ones in the cantina.

Hux drummed his fingers on the table, watching as Kylo strode back over, balancing two glasses and a plate filled with a foreign cuisine. Placing the plate in front of Hux, he sat across from him. Hux grabbed the glass, taking a sip of the cheap drink and grabbing a piece of the rather odd looking food in front of him. It looked as if it was meat, but he couldn’t be sure.

They ate in silence, Hux trying not to scarf his food down like an animal despite being hungry to the point of shaking. Ren, on the other hand, barely touched his, sipping at his drink occasionally. His eyes darted to the door, suspicion lacing his features as if he expected someone to walk in.

“Cover your face.” Ren said, grabbing his own cloth and beginning to cover his. “I sense someone coming.”

Hux didn’t question it, grabbing his tan cloth without hesitation and wrapping it around his face. The second he secured it, he heard the door squeak as two men walked into the cantina. Hux, back facing them, didn’t dare to turn to see. Ren stared out of the corner of his eye, watching as the men approached the bar area. Hux saw the pair, a dark skinned man, standing beside a somewhat shorter one, sit down at the stools. His mind went to the worst scenario as to who they were, flicking his eyes towards Ren for confirmation. Ren had known their identities the moment they walked in the door, FN-2197, and Poe Dameron, presumably.

The resistance soldiers ignored them, and Hux bit his lip. “We need to leave,” He said, voice low. 

“If we do now they’ll know it’s us. Keep calm, Hux.” Ren replied.

Hux began to bounce his leg in anticipation, waiting for the inevitable moment for them to turn. They were still facing away from them, not looking back in their direction. Hux’s hand ghosted over his blaster, pulling off his belt slowly as he aimed the blaster towards the back of the pilot’s head. Ren’s eyes narrowed as Hux steadied his aim.

The small _click_ as he cocked the blaster filled the room, and just as Hux pulled the trigger, the ex-stormtrooper whipped his head around, meeting Hux’s eyes as he yanked Poe out of the way. Hux’s blaster beam hit the back liquor shelf, shattering glass and sending shards across the shop.

Hux swore under his breath, pulling the cloth off his face as he stood, firing the blaster again at the pair. Missing, he ducked behind the booth, hearing Ren ignite his lightsaber as he deleted the blaster beams coming their way. Hux leaned out from the booth, firing quickly before hiding again.

Ren could only deflect for so long, forcing him to leap towards the pair, using the force to push them backwards and into the wall. The pilot stood quickly spitting blood as he stood. He fired his weapon again, not bothering to be intimidated by Ren’s slashes towards him. Poe was quick, darting underneath tables and managing to dodge all of Kylo’s attacks. His saber burned through the wooden tables as he tried to use the force to freeze the pilot in place, but to now avail. He cursed, looking back to see Hux in a fight with the ex-stormtrooper.

FN-2187 was stronger than Hux, but Hux’s height gave him advantage. Sending a kick to his back, Hux sent him lurching forward, wincing in pain from the blow. Hux took the opportunity to kick him again, in the stomach. He kneeled next to the man, wrapping a hand around his neck as he used his forearm to hold him down. Suddenly he heard the door to the cantina open, and at that moment, felt a blow to his already injured side.

Ren whipped his head, diverting his attention from Poe to see Rey at the door, snarling at him. Her double edged lightsaber hummed in the air as she ran towards Ren with ferocity. Ren swore, looking back over to injured Hux as and begging to run his way, only to hear Rey’s lightsaber whiz by his head. He turned, having no choice but to engage her as she attacked.

“Shame I didn’t blind you the first time.” She said, referring to the scar across Ren’s face. He snarled, pushing forward against her saber, sparks erupting from the added pressure.

Rey twisted her saber, trying to use the other side to dig into Ren. Kylo twisted his wrist, using the crossgaurds to block her attempt before taking a step back, spinning his saber as they circled each other. Just as he was about to strike another blow to Rey, he saw Poe dart past from the corner of his eye, diverting his attention back to Hux.

Hux looked for his blaster that had slid way during his fight with FN-2187. It wasn’t possible for him to fight off two men while wounded. Poe grabbed his arm as Hux tried to struggle, only making the pain in his side worsen. He heard a blaster click as it was pressed to his head. He looked over to Ren, who was trying to make his way over while battling Rey. He watched as he managed to send her saber flying, kicking her as he grabbed her by the hair, holding his lightsaber across her neck.

“Drop the gun or she dies!” He screamed pulling Rey’s hair tighter as she struggled to move. “Lay another hand on him and I will shred her body to pieces.”

Poe side eyed the ex-stormtrooper, as he began to lower his blaster. Before he managed to pulled place it on the ground, he made eye contact with Rey, who, in one motion, forced her saber back into her hand, igniting it and slashing Ren’s arm, getting out of his vice grip and grabbing his saber and attaching to her belt as she held him in the position she was in moments before. The blaster took its place at Hux’s head once again.

“Hux!” Ren shrieked, but found himself unable to move. His eyes widened as he found himself paralyzed.

Hux elbowed Poe in the stomach, attempting to bolt towards Kylo only to have two hands wrap around his chest, keeping him secure. He wasn’t able to escape the grip of the ex-trooper, leaving him struggling as Poe raised the gun to his head once again.

Hux looked to Ren, a grim smile on his face as he heard Poe cock the blaster. Ren was still screaming, his voice still working as tears ran down his face. Hux took a deep breath, attempting to reach out to Ren once more. 

“I love you.” He whispered, closing his eyes as tears ran down his face.

A deafening bang of the blaster fire echoed through the room as Poe shot the gun, staining the sandy ground with Hux’s blood and brains. Ren’s screech pierced the room as he watched HUx’s body go limp in FN-2187’s arms, head snapping unnaturally against his neck. Blood flowed down the side of his face, slid down his slack jaw and ran into his open mouth. His head was black with blood, running over one of his eyes completely. Ren couldn’t tell where his hairline once was, as the blood had soaked his ginger locks, stained them crimson with his own blood. As much as Ren wanted to look away, he felt the image being burnt into the back of his head.

Kylo managed to break from Rey’s force hold lurching forward to run to Hux. He fell to his knees, a kick landing from behind surging him forwards. He tried to crawl towards his body, but felt another blow to the back of his heading, making his world go black.

~

_The morning was grey, but bright, light shining through the dull overcast sky despite the sun’s lacking appearance. Brendol Hux II sat on his bed next to his mother, listening to the sounds of piano as she stroked his hair._

_His mother had long dark brown hair, braided at the side of her head in an elegant fashion. Her homeworld of Naboo was famous for it’s extravagant fashions, explaining her gown which could suit a queen. The dress, green and gold, was Hux’s favourite. It was the same colour as the music playing, in 3/4 time. A ball gown, a waltz, and a mother and son._

_“Brenny,” She said, calling him by his nickname. “What do you want to do when you’re my age?” She asked._

_The young Hux shrugged, kicking his feet against the bed. He was dressed in a crisp button down and black shorts, donning suspenders and black dress shoes. Casual clothing was not something he had ever worn._

_“I want to make pretty music like this.” He replied, “I want to make something as pretty as you.”_

_Hux’s mother smiled, pulling him into to a hug as she rubbed his back. “You will one day, sweetheart. I promise you will.”_

_~_

_“Ren,” Hux asked, opening his eyes as Ren lifted his head from his bare chest to look at him. Hux was coated in sweat and the lingering scent of sex filled the room, but he ignored it as he looked at Ren lying on top of him._

_“What is it?” Ren asked quietly, shifting his weight off Hux and laying beside him. He wrapped a strong arm around Hux’s slender torso as he looked up at Hux._

_“Have you ever made something beautiful?” Hux asked, looking up at the ceiling._

_Ren was quiet, perplexed at Hux’s question. “No, I tend not to create many things.” He answered honestly._

_Hux sighed. “I created an army, an empire, a space weapon that destroyed five planets. I created many things, but none of them were beautiful, Ren. Not a single one.”_

_“Beauty is subjective.” Ren defended, sitting up to look Hux in the eyes._

_“Is death?” He asked._

_Ren didn’t have an answer for that. He stayed silent, listening to Hux’s heartbeat as he traced his finger on his hot skin. It was many moments before Hux spoke again._

_“Death is certain, and despite the comfort life finds in certain things, the sun rising, the seasons changing, we fear it more than anything. Death is necessary enough that after awhile, any person can kill without remorse. The resistance may deny it, but now that they have FN-2187, they’re going to think about the lives they've ripped away from stormtroopers without second thought. They’ve convinced themselves that they are mindless killers without emotion to cover up for their murders, but the truth is, they aren’t. We may train discipline, but humanity still exists in every one of them. It doesn’t change anything. They just want to convince themselves that they aren’t killing the same way we are.” Hux said quietly._

_“Death is death.” Ren responded._

_“Unless it's in mass numbers, no one bats an eye.”_

_“Hypocritical, coming from you.”_

_Hux shrugged. “I never denied being a murderer. I expect others to do the same.”_

_Somewhere in Hux, there was a part of him screaming to run away, to never look at Ren again, but a bigger part was holding him close, whispering_ **_don't you ever let me go_ ** _and thanking whatever god that there may be that he didn’t hate him for being his own special kind of terrible, his own special kind of fucked up that only someone who murdered billions is._

_And if Ren ever found himself in hell in the afterlife, he would shake hands with the devil and realize he looked an awful lot like a lover he once had, and Hux doesn’t think Ren would mind at all._

_“There’s a divinity that shapes our ends,_

_Rough-hew them how we will, that is most certain.”_

_-William Shakespeare, Hamlet_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! as always, my tumblr is spacegaykj, feel free to message me and chat!


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